I don’t subscribe to ideologies inspired by fate. I mean, yes, some things are bound to happen. Still, it doesn’t mean that one should surrender his life to predestination; that would be a foolish thing to do in your lifetime, I must say. I have always believed that you make your own fate and not the other way around. So why do I feel like banging my head on the wall for falling in love with someone I haven’t met before? Does fate has other plans for my parched love life, trying to abolish my reservations about romance induced by chance, or both?
It started when I was working as a homebased writer for the web. The company I was working for is a forum-based website where we claim article assignments for international clients. During my first years as a writer there, I intended to keep my identity a secret from everyone. I rarely participated in the forums and would always sign in anonymously. I would just stalk my co-writers’ profiles and added some of them to my friend list. In other words, I was just there trying to make a living out of freelance writing and nothing more.
Things started to change when the company created an online game. It was a scavenger hunt and writers who want to participate need to form groups they called “kingdoms”. This is where I “met” him. He invited me to join his kingdom and I remember impressing him with my confirmation message. I began to stalk his previous posts on the forums and even saw a feature about him. I was already amused by his writing flair so imagine my delight when I found his photos. I knew right then and there that I’m attracted to him.
Soon, I began to actively participate in every thread in hopes that I might catch his attention. One time, I even complimented his looks indirectly in one of our online “banter” and our groupmates started noticing our “closeness”. I haven’t been so flirt in my life until I started talking to him. The fact that he can’t see me allowed me to say things I would never have the nerve to say to his face.
Soon, a meet-up became imminent. But that’s when I started to withdraw from the group. I think I was not yet ready to see him in the flesh. My reason is that I wasn’t confident enough with myself. I mean, I was starting to lose my sense of hearing and I was so thin that time. So I invented a jealous significant other who would always “prevent” me from attending meet-ups.
I didn’t realize his interest in meeting me would soon wane. It’s not as if he didn’t try so hard, but that I would always make up excuses. I don’t want him to be disappointed with me because of my looks and my disability. He grew tired of it all, and I was so sorry for it.
So here I am, stalking him on his social media accounts, all the while wishing I could be there to talk to him face-to-face, share secrets with and just have a good laugh. He went away soon enough. But when I came across an online Facebook promo that dared individuals to admit their secret feelings to a special someone, I thought that would be the best time to let him know. He responded to my entry, but his reply didn’t confirm that the feeling is mutual. He just assured me that he’d still want to meet me on grounds of a friendly introduction. My hopes were shattered but I still look forward to that day when his image in my dreams would soon come alive.
To this day, I would hum the tune of Savage Garden’s “I Knew I Love You” whenever I think of him. I don’t know, it’s like confirming my hunch that fate is toying with me; that I just ate my words and soon would believe in destiny. Whatever. If this isn’t going to be real, I’ll just spank myself for being too naïve to allow love to take me to where it wanted to go, with heartbreaks and disappointments not far from sight.