I Don’t Know How To Be Alive Correctly

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ari in a yellow dress with a great lip
Ari Eastman/Instagram

Sometimes the alarm goes off and I press snooze like it actually says stop. Like it says TRY AGAIN ANOTHER DAY. Like the apocalypse is seconds away so who really needs to get up and shower, you know?

It’s weird to be considered happy by everyone I know when waking up feels a bit like a failure. I am always looking for the right words. Like EMOTIONS ARE SEPARATE FROM DEPRESSION. Like I am goofy and loud and laughing but that doesn’t negate the empty. Like a jack-o’-lantern is still hollow even if it’s smiling.

I know there is no right way to be alive. I know there is sometimes just this, survival. And dirt. And clawing our way out of the thick of it.

I know there is only this, my heart and it beating and how goddamn beautiful that really is. And then the confusion of not seeing beauty. Of not getting it. Of seeing art in a museum and wondering why everyone is in awe.

You ever look at the ocean and not understand what you’re supposed to be excited about? You ever wake up and press your finger to your chest and not understand how you are so alive but nothing feels like it?

Sometimes the alarm goes off and I press snooze. But I still get up. That’s something, right? TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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