If We Break Up, You Can’t Keep Using My Netflix Account (YEAH, I MEAN YOU PATRICK)

Parks and Recreation

Who the fuck has been watching Samurai Jack on my Netflix account?

It’s 11:30 pm on a Sunday night and you’re just trying to watch The Office until you pass out. It’s been a hellish week. Your co-worker wouldn’t stop mansplaining about mansplaining and your favorite shirt shrunk in the dryer because you are a Child Adult who can never figure out which clothes ACTUALLY go in the dryer. Whatever.

What the fuck is Samurai Jack?

Someone is screwing up your viewing history. WELL, GREAT. This is going to alter the algorithm. Before you know it your “TV Shows Featuring a Strong Female Lead” category will be replaced with “Animated Guy Doing Uh, Uh, IDK Something” category.

(I bet it’s a great show. I saw the reviews. They’re stellar. Shut up.)

Oh shit, does Patrick still have your login info? You entered it that one time you were at his apartment so the two of you could watch Love. Did it save? What other shows has he been watching with your precious $7.99 a month?

Is this betrayal? Is he stealing from you?

I guess you never said you were Netflix exclusive. But still, one should ask.

Wait, he watched Yu-Gi-Oh!?! Are you kidding me, Patrick?!

Are you more annoyed or embarrassed you had sex with a grown man who watches Yu-Gi-Oh?

Your phone beeps. It’s a text from Patrick.

“Hey, have you watched Samurai Jack? I think you’d like it.”

Burn your laptop. There is nothing good here now. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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