If Peter Ends Up Being The Next Bachelor And I’m Not Cast On His Season, I Will Die
By Ari Eastman
If you’ve followed me for a while, you know I’m into the Bachelor world. I actually didn’t start watching until my junior year of college when my friend Alyssa insisted. I rolled my eyes, as one does before they give in to the dark magic that is Chris Harrison. But as the story always goes, the second I started I was hooked.
And I’ve never looked back.
My job is to write. I write about things I’m passionate about. So, yes, that means I’ve written about Nick, Rachel’s boys, and my future baby daddy Peter.
Ya girl doesn’t hold back. I’ve got a fever. And the only prescription is more Peter.
🚨 POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT! POTENTIAL SPOILER ALERT! 🚨
Because of my friend Alyssa, I now read Reality Steve. I am a sucker. Also, Reality Steve is really funny?! His writing is great.
^^ I AM DECEASED AT THE ACCURACY.
According to Steve, Rachel picks Bryan (GAG) and my beloved Peter is the runner up.
I MEAN, FINE BY ME. RACHEL’S LOSS.
It’s no secret that I auditioned for The Bachelor back in 2014. I was a lonely 22-year-old fresh off heartbreak terrified that I just graduated college and thought, “I mean, maybe this will work?”
It did not. And I’m glad. Because it was Farmer Chris and I listen to rap and don’t like farms. Wouldn’t have worked.
I also sent in an audition tape for Nick but sent it waaaay late in the game and I’m sure the cast was already set. Honestly, I was a BIG Nick fan. I liked him back in Andi days. But after his lackluster season, again, I’m glad it didn’t happen. THEY WERE SAVING ME FOR PETER.
How can I write this and sound genuine? I can’t. I accept it. If there’s a God, she knows what’s in my heart.
In a week, I’ll be squeezing my body into some unforgiving dress to audition again. If it’s not Peter, I will revolt. I need to see that sexy wolf come to life on my TV. Even if he’s not falling in love with me (he should though).
Here are all the reasons Peter and I are made to fall in love on TV.
1. We both have front teeth gaps.
IF IT WAS CUTE WITH RACHEL AND HIM, IT WOULD BE CUTE WITH US.
I’ve always had a gap. So did my late father. I did have Invisalign to fix it, but when it became clear it wasn’t going to, my dentist referred me to a “cosmetic” dentist. We took the appointment. At the time, I was signed to a modeling agency. He explained what he could do. Bonding and grinding down MY JAW?! He pointed out every flaw. Flaws I didn’t even know I had! I was 18. And I walked away saying, “Thanks, but I’m good.”
It was in that moment that I made the choice to love myself despite a “professional” telling me all my flaws. I love my gap. I love having something that makes me different. I love something that connects me to my dead dad.
2. He’s into fitness and I’m transitioning into the FIT LIFE, BABE.
Real talk, I am not athletic. I have very little understanding of sports. I grew up in an artistic household. My family was more, “Let’s go to a poetry slam!” than football game. As a result, I never had an interest. I am clumsy. I’m bad at running. I assumed that meant I didn’t like exercise.
In the past couple years, I’ve discovered how much I like moving my body. Exercise beyond sex? What?! No, seriously, it’s fun!
Peter is a personal trainer and would totally keep me motivated while working out. My arms are looking stronger lately, but Peter could give me that extra push.
We could spend our weekends biking to the farmer’s market or spotting each other in the gym. The couple that sweats together, stays together.
3. He’s rational and level-headed. I’m, uh, not.
I lead with my heart. Peter has made it clear he leads with his head. We could have a real yin and yang thing going on. He would ground me. I would encourage him to be impulsive with his passion every now and then. I’ve been with people like me, people with big, messy hearts and IT DOESN’T WORK.
He’ll bring the logic, I’ll bring the emotion.
4. He’s a secret goof.
In his hometown date, he and his friend alluded to the fact that he has a goofy side Rachel hasn’t seen. Rachel seemed a little taken aback. MAYBE HE’S NOT COMFORTABLE BEING HIS TRUE AUTHENTIC SELF WITH YOU, RACHEL.
I love a goofy man. I’m very silly and playful and need someone who gets my sense of humor.
5. He’s good with kids.
Every uterus in America exploded watching this. Even my mom, who had a hysterectomy a year ago, felt some sympathy pangs.
Well, Peter, I also love kids! One of my first jobs was literally dressing up as Disney princesses and going to birthday parties.
Look at us! HOW PRECIOUS, RIGHT?!
Peter, I could go on and on. But I’ll have to stop because honestly, I don’t know enough about you to keep going on and on.
All I know is love is always worth it.
See you when I get out of the limo, Peter.
ABC, please call me. Please.
Please.