1. Wine always listens.
Mostly because it has no other option, but STILL. You can complain about your crappy day at work or that asshole who cut you off on the freeway and rest assured your Wine Boo will never ask you to stop. Spill your guts, baby.
2. Wine is reliable.
You know exactly where to find it. It’s there when it says it will be. You don’t have to wait around wondering if Brad is ever going to get back to you, like, it was THREE HOURS AGO, I thought you were coming over tonight, Brad??
3. Wine ages well.
Wine matures, unlike Brad who is 35 and still goes to EDC every year.
4. Wine doesn’t ghost when you ask it, “What are we?”
It just sits there being delicious. The nectar of the Gods would NEVER disappear on you for asking a fairly simple question.
5. Wine relaxes you.
A glass of wine before bed is the perfect nightcap. A fuckboy who Snapchats you but never texts back is NOT.
6. Wine can give you a headache, but it’s only temporary.
Sure, if you indulge too much one night, you might not feel too great the next day. But if you sleep with Brad after you promised yourself you were done? That regret sticks with you for months to come. Maybe even years!
7. Wine doesn’t yell at you for playing the Hamilton soundtrack over and over again.
Wine understands and appreciates theatrical genius.
8. Wine pairs great with cheese.
Stupid Brad is lactose intolerant.
9. Wine doesn’t judge you for watching Bravo programs.
In fact, wine LIKES that you enjoy Bravo programs. It usually means you want more of it.
10. Swallowing wine is actually enjoyable.
Do I really need to continue?