An Actual Question For People Who Like Bryan From ‘The Bachelorette’, Why?

ABC / The Bachelorette

It’s pretty easy to see our girl Rachel is a smitten kitten when it comes to Bryan Abasolo, the 37-year-old chiropractor from Miami.

Even the other dudes in the house know it. They’ve literally said, “Wow, she really likes Bryan.” Ouch. But like, yeah. Rachel isn’t hiding her feelings.

Sorry, I have to say it.

I. DO. NOT. GET. IT!

What am I missing? That first attack kiss looked sloppy as hell, but I wasn’t there kissing him! Rachel, if you’re getting the down under tingles when he shoves his enormous tongue in and out of your mouth, that’s great. I’m just saying to the outside eye, it’s looking…wet.

In Bryan’s defense, I would be terrified to see what I look like kissing on camera. Kissing is gross as a spectator sport unless you are literally trained to do it in a way that looks good, like actors are. So maybe he’s fantastic! Rachel definitely thinks so.

But on the outside looking in, y-i-k-e-s.

Remember when they had a group date on The Ellen Degeneres Show and Bryan grabbed the mic to let everyone know he kissed Rachel?! That was a territorial, cocky move and I am NOT into it. It didn’t seem cute or playful. It was just…ick. We get it, bro. YOU GOT THERE FIRST. GREAT JOB!!!!

TheEllenShow

He clearly Facetunes his Instagram photos (no one has skin that smooth, NO ONE!) and like, hey, you do you! You’re 37. I’ll probably start Facetuning in a year and I’m 25. But why do I just KNOW he’s the creepy dude at the club hitting on the barely legals?

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Up close and personal #newyearsday #2017

A post shared by Bryan Abasolo D.C., CNS, CPT (@thebryanabasolo) on

And why was he selling detox teas years before he was ever even on The Bachelorette? Isn’t he a “doctor”? Why the #extraincome? I have a chiropractor and if she started hawking this detox shit online, I’d immediately stop taking her seriously. You know what she suggests? Fish oil pills. And a healthy diet. BUT SURE, TAKE THIS TEA THAT MAKES YOU LOSE 5 POUNDS IN DAYS! Lmao, that sounds healthy! Thanks “Doctor” Bryan.

https://www.instagram.com/p/4zpw70FhpO/?taken-by=thebryanabasolo

I’ve had weird feelings about him from the beginning. He’s a lothario. I’m calling it now. And Rachel PLEASE listen to your gut saying he’s too smooth. Because he is.

Rachel is an intelligent, strong, beautiful LAWYER. Does she want a dude who posts terribly unfunny memes to his Instagram account that showcase his juvenile sense of humor? Like, come on. DUDE, YOU ARE 37. THIS IS SAD.

This dude is bad news.

I’ve seen a lot of people thirsting for Bryan and I’m just at a loss. I’m going on the record saying I DON’T GET IT.

Are you Team Bryan? Tell me why I’m wrong. Show me what I’m missing. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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