13 New Versions Of The Ken Doll That Are Much More Realistic

Mike Mozart

1. Fuckboy Ken

Traditionally hot. Goes to EDC festival every year. Isn’t looking for commitment. Regularly texts you at 2 am. Thinks The Chainsmokers are genius.

2. Softboy Ken

Has thick-rimmed glasses. Instagrams the books he’s reading. Sends you acoustic singers he thinks you’d enjoy. Tells you he has “emotional issues he’s working through” when you express interest in monogamy.

3. Gym Rat Ken

Just so you know, he can bench press more than you. Every morning starts with a protein shake.

4. Startup Ken

He lives in Silicon Valley and invented the app that’s GOING TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE. You mention it sounds eerily similar to Postmates and he’s infuriated. He stops texting you back.

5. Funemployed Ken

Whatever, he’s taking a year off. …And he’s been saying that for 6 years now. Lucky for him, he’s got a trust fund. But considering how much he’s spent on alcohol and the Corvette he has sitting in the driveway, that money train won’t last long.

6. Your Ex Ken

Baby, he screwed up. He didn’t realize a good thing while he had it. Also, it turns out nobody wants to fuck him. He was very disappointed. Baby, give him another shot. Please.

7. Bachelor Ken

Always shirtless and somewhat sexy, a solid 90% of his posts are sponsored. Sugar Bear Hair dot com. Looking for a tea that will make you shit a ton? He’s got you covered. #Detox #Ad

8. DJ Ken

He works at a club two nights a week. He worships Calvin Harris. Says he’s irrationally jealous of Asahd Khaled.

 9. Bernie Bro Ken

7 months after the election, he still posts Facebook articles about how easily Bernie would have won.

10.  Uncircumcised Ken

He’s European.

11. Alt-Right Ken

Good ol’ racism for the whole family!!! Please don’t purchase him for your daughter. Please.

12. Farmer’s Market Ken

He runs a sustainable farm and always recommends documentaries about the food industry. He doesn’t own a car because it isn’t eco-friendly. Rides his bike to your house.

13. Dad Bod Ken

Yes, he’s divorced and has part-time custody of two kids. But he shops at Whole Foods and has salt-and-pepper hair. PURRRRR. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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