If These 5 Things Sound Like You, Be My Summer Boyfriend

Twenty20 / @criene

I’ve been thinking a lot about dating lately. Mostly because I am so utterly disinterested in being with anyone romantically and I’m a little concerned that this lump of coal residing in my chest has permanently replaced my once fluttery heart. Fun stuff! 2017 is very exciting!

Summer is approaching and everyone seems Hot and In Love. Cool, cool, cool. Now, I’ve been guilty of giving into cuffing season. And I’ve definitely been in love during the summer (what up summer 2010, you were so good to me!!!).

But I’ve gotta be real with you, I’ve never had a purely summer love.

So, I’m wondering, am I missing out? Would summer lovin’ really have me a blast? Would it happen so fast?

I guess if there’s any time to try and rekindle my interest in romance and the like, it’s summer, right? Should I The Secret this shit? Verbalize my ideal dude and watch him materialize right out of thin air? Alright, Universe, here’s what I’m looking to play around with for 3 months.

1. Someone who loves dogs.

This summer 2K17, we’re going to legit hang out at dog parks. You need to be 100% okay with me low-key squealing whenever I see a canine pal. Remember, all dogs are good dogs. If you’re allergic, you need to take medication. I’m not sacrificing my lifestyle because you get sneezy.

2. Someone who sort of leaves me alone.

Listen, I’m not as needy as my poetry suggests! I actually really enjoy being alone and doing things solo. I’m huge on personal space. A summer fling (or hey, beyond if we ~*~CONNECT~*~*) needs to understand that. I need time away. It’s not about you, babe, it’s me.

3. Someone who won’t make fun of me for watching Bachelor In Paradise.

That goddamn show has become my unapologetic favorite part of summer and no one is going to take it away from me.

4. Someone who isn’t super into the beach.

Like Larry David said in an episode of Curb, I just don’t get it. Why are you all obsessed with the beach? The ocean is scary! Sand gets into every possible crack and crevice. I am not a fan. We’re not spending the hottest months baking under the sun. I’m trying to protect my skin from premature aging, thank you very much.

5. Someone who will take photos of me.

Shameful confession: sometimes I swipe right on Tinder just because someone says they’re a professional photographer. I’m trying to up my Instagram game. Get ready for me to show you 10 photos that look exactly the same and then ask you to choose the best one.

These things sound like you? Let’s throw caution to the wind and fall in like for a bit before we both ultimately decide we’re not compatible longterm. ♥️♥️♥️ TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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