It’s the year 2016 and your Instagram feed is full of “candid” engagement photos and
gag-inducing cute couple-themed hashtags. Save The Dates are flying into your face like you’re Harry Potter and owls are dumping letters from Hogwarts all over you.
It’s great, people are in love (or something). You’re not bitter! (Repeat it seven times just to make sure). You’re THRILLED Tina from middle school who used to make fun of you is now getting married to an actual real life Ken doll. IT’S HONESTLY GREAT. Good for you, Tina.
But even if you aren’t planning your own matrimonial ceremony, that doesn’t mean you can’t eat like it’s a party. Let them eat cake. You’ll be ordering delivery, thank you very much.
Here are pizza combos you can try while Tina is doing the electric slide with her distant relatives. Lol, have fun, TINA!
1. Spinach and feta.
It has spinach and spinach is good for you. By the transitive property, that means this pizza is also good for you.
2. Three cheese.
Mozzarella! Parmesan! Fontina! This is a threesome you fully support.
Is it pizza? Is it pie? Is it a pizza pie? This Chicago invention is sure to quell your loneliness!
4. Meat lovers paradise.
Also a solid username for Grindr, this pizza has everything a carnivore could ever want. Sausage, pepperoni, bacon. It’s a cholesterol wet dream.
Top it off with a margarita on the rocks. And share it with your friend Margaret.
6. Mushroom and extra garlic.
It’ll keep the vampires away. And anyone who might want to kiss you. Hahahaha, EVERYTHING IS FINE!
7. Prosciutto and basil.
Because you deserve the best.
8. Hawaiian with jalapeños.
Okay, but if this is your topping preference, are you really shocked that you’re single? You like pineapple on your pizza. That’s weird. But hey, it’s your life. Let your freak flag fly high.