Who You Would Be On ‘The Bachelor’ Based On Your Favorite Alcoholic Beverage

Bachelor in Paradise
Bachelor in Paradise

Having auditioned for the show once (and genuinely doing it again, sorry Mom!), I can say with all jokes aside, I DO think some people forge awesome relationships out of a (many times) train wreck situation. So, until I’m on the other side of the TV screen and learn how difficult it all actually is, all I can do is make superficial posts like this! Given your boozy preference, who would you be on the show? Bonus points if you can figure out which one is describing me. ABC, let’s make a love connection. Let’s take this all the way, Babe.

BEER

You’re super go-with-the-flow and down for whatever the date card says. You don’t get a ton of screen time because you’re laid-back and never in the middle of any DRAMAAAA. You’ve got a very DGAF attitude that America will definitely brand as the most #relatable. Unfortunately, you have no chance at finding love (at least on ABC). The Bachelor will repeatedly tell you he “loves how comfortable he is with you,” but the translation is: “I’m not as sexually attracted to you as I am with the other girls here. But like, you’re cool.”

RED WINE

You consider yourself Very Deep and definitely have a few poetry quotes on your Instagram. You cry at least once on the show, but in a way that still tugs at our heart strings. You always make sure to tell The Bachelor that you’re “here for the right reasons.” And despite all the jokes people make, you really DO fall in love with him. You’ll make it to the final four.

WHITE WINE

Similar to your Red Wine pal, you get teary-eyed a few times on the show. You have perfected the eye roll as evidenced by your camera interview time. You’re cute and fun, but a dime a dozen. Like, there are probably 10 of you on the show. And you’re all slinging back Chardonnays together.

SANGRIA

You’re only here because you’re hoping for a shot on Bachelor in Paradise.

ROSÉ

You’re constantly bringing up your past relationships and how often you’ve been hurt or betrayed. You want someone who is going to treat you the way you deserve, you know? The competition aspect of the show really screws with your head and you’re usually heard telling the off camera producers you had no idea it would be this hard.

CHAMPAGNE

You wake up with fully done make-up when The Bachelor “surprises” everyone in the early morning. Your cocktail dresses are always on point, if not a little too much sometimes. You have a soft, whispery voice but your cry sounds like a pterodactyl. You’ll get eliminated the week before hometowns.

WHISKEY NEAT

You’re too cool to be on this show and realize that quickly. You exit on your own telling The Bachelor this just “isn’t for you.”

MARGARITA

You get naked on the first night in the house. You’re the person everyone knows is going to get drunk and loud, but in a way that is 100% entertaining.

GIN AND TONIC

You’re the wisest and most mature of the group. You can hold your liquor and often end up counseling the other girls through nervous breakdowns. You’re very well liked by everyone throughout the show.

ABSINTHE

You have a drinking problem and you need to go home immediately. Reality TV is not your friend right now, Honey. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

Related

More From Thought Catalog