“I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you”
— Bright Eyes, First Day Of My Life
“Onion rings for $2.29.”
— Jack in the Box, Menu
The internet is constantly overflowing with unsolicited advice on who to date, how to date them, and which app to find them on. It’s a little like going back to your car in the mall parking lot only to discover the windshield COVERED in flyers for things you don’t need:
50% discount at Paul’s Awesome Water Wasting Car Wash!
Totally C-R-A-Z-Y Neon Party Hosted By DJ Dipshit This Friday!
Diagnosed With Mesothelioma? The Law Offices at Rich Old White Man & Son Can Help!
Eventually, it all starts blending into one giant background commercial. Everyone is shouting something at you. Everyone has an opinion and has to tell it to you. right. now.
But you know what? 90% of it is bullshit. And I can say that because I’ve written dating advice. I’ve been the lady on the soap box yelling, “DON’T GO OUT WITH MEN WHO WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS!” Because, true.
Dating is such an individual experience that it’s nearly impossible to ever craft the perfect how-to manual. Sarah likes dudes who drive trucks. Katie likes them to look a little malnourished. We’re all different! Isn’t that great? Hallelujah, amen, there’s something for everyone.
So forget the checklist you keep reading online. All that matters is that you’re happy and into what’s going on. Maybe you like dudes who wear sunglasses inside. It was a good look on Ray Charles! (Too soon?)
But there’s one NON NEGOTIABLE when it comes to sharing your life with someone. And no, it isn’t how well they get along with your family, their credit score, or how often they change their toothbrush.
Everything has wiggle room except for this one very, very important thing.
Date someone who asks your permission before eating your left-overs.
I don’t care if they were super high and you were already sleeping. It’s called common decency, and eating food with someone else’s name written on the doggy bag is NOT. It’s barbaric.
Imagine waking up in the morning and remembering you still have half a pizza from last night. Cold pizza before noon is one of life’s biggest joys and you’re about to go to TOWN on that thing.
If you’re with the right person, every last slice will still be tucked away in the back of the refrigerator, eagerly awaiting your mouth. If you’re with an asshole, it’s gone but for some reason the empty cardboard box is still in the fucking fridge. Seriously, dude? You couldn’t even throw it away?
Sure, you want a partner who loves you, makes you laugh, respects you, inspires you, yadda yadda yadda. But mostly? You just want someone who asks, “Can I?” before eating your goddamn food.
You’re worth that much, Babe.