15 Things We’re All Secretly Thinking While Watching The Olympics

Inside Amy Schumer
Inside Amy Schumer

1. I can’t explain it, but I truly believe with proper training I could also be an Olympian.

2. Too bad I had parents who weren’t willing to let me follow my gold medal dreams, even if that would have meant moving away as a child and never experiencing the stress-free joy of youth. Thanks a lot for my lovely childhood, MOM!

3. Maybe it’s not too late for me.

4. Sure, these people have dedicated their entire lives to their sport, but I could totally give up alcohol and refined sugar for three months. That’s enough to get into shape, right?

5. I’d have to go to the gym like, what? Once a day? 30 minutes on the treadmill and I should be fine.

6. I didn’t even know some of these sports existed.

7. YEESS TEAM, GO GO GO GO, DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO DO! MAKE THE POINT! LAND THE JUMP! I DON’T KNOW HOW THE SCORES ARE CALCULATED BUT I LIKE FEELING INVOLVED!!!!!

8. My body could look like that if I wanted it to. *continues eating an entire bag of Lay’s potato chips*

9. What if these aren’t real humans? Because I kind of feel like only half-human-half-cyborg hybrids could move that fast.

10. Seriously, has anyone ever tested them to see if they have like, I don’t know, cheetah blood or something?

11. I’m telling you, I THINK I COULD DO THAT!

12. How many people on the teams are sleeping with each other? Why do I keep imagining the Olympic Village like an episode of Jersey Shore?

13. If you win a gold medal, does that automatically mean you have won the hypothetical competition between you and all of your exes?

14. Damn, can you even imagine? You are one of the world’s best athletes and someone out there has to kick themselves saying, “Yeah, I let that one go.”

15. I need to stop eating these potato chips. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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