15 Things I Definitely Thought I’d Achieve By 25 (Hahahaha)

Rihanna - Pour It Up
Rihanna – Pour It Up

I was always the kid that kept a diary. Which is probably not shocking considering my current job.

I was obsessed with putting every memory to paper, even the bland ones. Like Mrs. Moore wearing a different cardigan than usual, or getting to the next level in a video game. Didn’t matter what it was, I made sure everything was jotted down.

But probably the most depressing enlightening entries are those from Baby Ari on what she expected from Adult Ari. And re-reading them as a full-fledged adult is both hysterical and…kind of sad.

Sorry, Ari. You’ll be turning 25 in six months and these MUST HAVE ACHIEVED action items are going to likely remain blank. But like, we’ve done some cool stuff?

1. An Academy Award.

(I didn’t even enter the acting field. I dabbled a bit when I was 18, but ultimately decided auditioning isn’t very fun. Alas, no shiny Oscar statue sits on my mantel.)

2. A husband.

(Hahahahahah.)

3. A house in Hawaii.

(Excuse me? I can barely afford a trip to Hawaii.)

4. Be best friends with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

(They don’t return my calls.)

5. Visit Detroit, Michigan.

(Because that’s where Tia and Tamera lived on Sister, Sister. Ok???)

6. Have won the lottery. Twice.

(I did once win $5 on a scratcher)

7. Big. Boobs.

(😔😔😔😔)

8. Co-own a vacation home with Britney Spears.

(B and I are just renting for now.)

9. Glowing and flawless skin.

(I have three pimples sitting casually on my chin at this exact moment. Thanks, ADULT ACNE.)

10. A frequent guest on The Ellen Degeneres Show.

(I was interviewed once by a man on the street. But he didn’t have a TV show. Or pants on.)

11. An impressive salary.

(LOL, I’m a writer. SoooooOooOo)

12. A thriving social life.

(I have roughly two people I enjoy spending time with. And I’m pretty content with that, tbh.)

13. Run a sanctuary for stray dogs and cats.

(Well, I watched Hotel for Dogs once.)

14. A baby.

(NOPE. NOPE. NOOOOPE.)

15. A general sense of financial and emotional comfort.

(Hey, what’s that like?) Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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