Before I dive in here, it’s best I start with brutal honesty. I’m no prize, dudes. I’m on antidepressants and gluten-free (because I’m allergic, so no pizza or beer dates for us, Honey). My hands are always supes sweaty for no real reason, so hand holding is a risk. I love my mom more than anyone and talk to her on the phone every day. Basically, I’m your ~*~Dream Girl~*~*
Listen, we all know that Tinder is kind of terrible. In the off-and-on years I’ve swiped while trying to fall asleep, I’ve met up with three guys IRL. The first one was nice, but I was still in love with someone else, so I left our date and never talked to him again (I’m The Worst, I know). The second I casually dated and hated myself the entire time. My third was someone who became a real boyfriend. But I don’t think he’s the typical Tinder experience. I think he was an exception.
At its core, Tinder is a glorified hot or not app. We’re deciding, within seconds, if we want to possibly see you naked one day. So of COURSE I’m going to have my superficial reasons I say yay or nay. My list of “Left Swipe That” is probably much, much longer, so if you fit any of the below qualifications, you might be my Tinder Jackpot. Holla @ ya girl.
1. You have a French bulldog.
2. You’re Adam Brody.
3. You look like Adam Brody.
4. You look kind of like Adam Brody.
5. You are skinny in that, “Oh, he reminds me of Adam Brody” kind of way.
6. You express interest in adopting a French bulldog in the future.
7. Your bio says, “Real life Seth Cohen.”
8. You have a vinyl collection (and you look like Adam Brody).
9. You don’t have any gym selfies.
10. You have dogs in all of your photos.
11. You’re friends with Adam Brody.
12. If I squint hard enough, you could resemble Adam Brody.
13. You have kind eyes.
14. Your bio is charming and witty.
15. In 2003, you starred in the popular TV series The O.C.