Dear Channing Tatum, Here’s Why You Need To Hire Me As A Dancer For ‘Magic Mike Live’

During the summer of 2015, I experienced one of those life-altering moments that you read about in Eat, Pray, Love type novels. The clouds parted, birds sang Josh Groban tunes, and, for the first time ever, my entire world was illuminated. I could see my path, my destiny. I found something I didn’t even know I had been looking for.

All this time, the answer was waiting in a group of chiseled Gods.

Magic Mike XXL.

Kind of like your Jewish cousin who suddenly converted because he found a blobby Jesus in his piece of toast, everything I thought I knew about myself had changed. I wasn’t supposed to be a writer, or spoken word poet, or a shitty 20-something still thinking I had “so much untapped potential.”

No, leaving that theater I KNEW what was really in my heart.

I wanted to be a male entertainer.

This was my calling – I yearned to be part of Tatum’s squad, flexing our biceps and grinding in unison to “Pony.”

Channing, I realize I’m not your ideal candidate. My upper body strength is just okay, and I DEFINITELY can’t pick up a woman and swing her around like you guys do. But what I lack in muscle, I make up for in heart.

And after all, the heart is a muscle.

If you’re still not sold, here are just a few (of my many) qualifications for why I should be part of Magic Mike Live when you open in Vegas.

1. I grew up competing in pageants, so I’m familiar with being on stage and how to work a crowd.

2. I’ve been told I have good smelling sweat. I’ll bring a nice balance to the pungent manly musk the other dancers give off.

3. I’m (shockingly!) not classically trained in dance. Which means I can be molded into whatever you want.

4. I’ll bring some feminine energy to the show. A little yin to everyone’s yang, if you will.

5. I have boobs (they’re not that great, but they’re there!).

And if you’re still not convinced, I’ve filmed some of my moves. Please, enjoy!

Of course, I do know I have a lot to learn about the field. But I’m an excellent student with a hungry appetite to expand my knowledge.

You can reach me on Twitter. We can have our people talk to figure out a time that’s convenient for me to come in and audition.

To quote the genius Ginuwine, “I’m just a bachelor. I’m looking for a partner.”

Let me be that partner, Channing. Give me a chance.

In the meantime, I’ll be practicing my body rolls.