Who You Are Now Based On Your AIM Away Message In Middle School
By Ari Eastman
1. *lyrics to a My Chemical Romance or Dashboard Confessional song*
“Well if u wanted honesty, that’s all u had 2 say / I never want to let u down or have u go, it’s better off this way”
You definitely wrote the occasional fanfic on your secret LiveJournal. You eventually made the transition to Tumblr, where you can still be found posting free verse poetry about fruit and your ex from five years ago. You make fun of people who go to Coachella even though down deep, you’re dying to don a flower crown in the desert.
2. *Something passive aggressive about an unknown situation*
“it wud be nice 2 be able 2 trust ppl. guess its tru what they say, u never know who ur friends are until someone stabs u in the back! w/e”
You still think Facebook is an appropriate place for long, vague posts that beg the question, “Is everything okay?” But if someone asks, you’ll say, “I don’t really want to talk about it. Because, you know, that makes sense.
3. Asking people to text you
“going shopping. txt it <3”
You think life should revolve around two things: happy hour and bottomless mimosas at brunch. You’re constantly plugged into your phone and the one time you left home without it, you felt itchy all day. You get really sad if you look at your phone after leaving a movie theater and see nobody texted you during that hour and a half.
4. Sexual innuendo
“doing homework but wish i was doing u ;)”
Your bark is bigger than your bite. Real romantic intimacy scares the shit out of you, so you make dick jokes to keep yourself at a safe distance. You fell in love once, but your heart was mangled and stomped all over. Now you spend your days swiping on Tinder and pretending you’re happy doing so.
5. A fake-deep inspirational quote
“don’t cry becuz it’s over, smile becuz it happened (:”
You have a Pinterest board you update regularly and reblog quotes attributed to Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn. You’ve used the term “wanderlust” more than once and love the show Pretty Little Liars.
6. A poorly executed joke
“hanging w/my gf, Smarterchild.”
You’re a struggling comedian living in Los Angeles. Good luck on your web series though!
7. A reference to Seth Cohen
“i’m just a summer waiting for my seth to find me”
You’re me.