I Tell My Therapist I Don’t Want To Die Today

Mike Monaghan
Mike Monaghan

“No, I don’t want to die,”

I tell her.

She clears her throat,
asks for clarification.

I try to explain.
My words seem stuck somewhere I can’t reach.
I sound sticky,
like I swallowed five marshmallows whole,
didn’t even stop to chew.

I try to tell her how I wanted to stop living.
Once,
back then.
Which is why I’m here,
I suppose.
My low has leveled out,
for now.
I try again.
No,
not die, exactly.
Just not be here.
Be in this body that requires so much ache.
A sickening difference that doesn’t make sense,
Something I have tried to explain
in conversations with different therapists,
Beautiful women with multiple degrees
hanging on porcelain walls.

“But I don’t want to die, today.”
I tell her.

“Why?”

And realize I don’t have a very good answer.
I want my disease
to show itself
in some sort of logical way.
But instead,
I just feel okay
when I feel okay.
It’s like she’s still wanting something.
And I’ve never known what it is.
So I start talking.
I tell her about my ex,
or Pop-Tarts,
My dead father,
Anything.
All of it.

Because I just don’t have a good enough answer.
I don’t have the right things to say. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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  • http://laurenlalasimon.wordpress.com Lala Simon

    Those are the right things to say. Keep talking about it. No matter how wrong it seems, you’re not wrong. Please don’t stop talking about it and writing about it. Talking myself into making sense out of how I felt was actually the only way out, for me. I’ve been where you are and I wish you the best. I will keep you in my thoughts.

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