18 Thoughts Major Homebodies Are Secretly Having When Trying To Date

Parks and Recreation
Parks and Recreation

1. Why am I doing this? Seriously, why?

2. I could have just stayed at home where pants are optional and my laptop is eagerly awaiting to know if I’m still watching. BUT NOOOOO, I DECIDED TO BE SOCIAL.

3. Oh yeah, because I don’t want to die alone only to be eventually found weeks later by some neighborhood kids who noticed a “weird smell coming from that house.”

4. HOLD UP, THEY WANT TO GO OUT AT 10 PM??? ARE THEY KIDDING ME????

5. What is this, Spring Breakers?! 10 pm is reserved for Netflix and chill, but you know, alone.

6. Deep breaths, deep breaths. You can do this. It’s just one night out in public. With people. And society.

7. Oh my god, I completely forgot How To Get Away With Murder is back. Um, maybe I can just reschedule? That’s okay, right?

8. There has honestly never been anything quite as appealing as the idea of canceling. CANCEL. CANCEL. CAAAANCEL.

9. NO, I can’t cancel. It’s too late and I don’t want to be a flake. I can do this. Just put on pants, it all gets easier after you put some pants on.

10. Who invented pants? Probably some masochistic asshole who wanted everyone to be uncomfortable…FOREVER.

11. Hmmm, I haven’t been out with another human being in a long time. So maybe I should, um, groom myself?

12. It has been a very long time since I’ve shaved. A. Very. Long. Time.

13. Ooooor, maybe I could just rain check it. That’s not so bad, right? It’s not even *really* canceling. It’s just postponing it. Maybe indefinitely.

14. Can’t I just skip ahead to that comfortable officially-in-a-relationship stage?

15. You know, it’s not that I dislike people. It’s just that I like my bed so much more.

16. Alcohol. Yes. Alcohol will be the thing that makes this all bearable.

17. Wow, I actually really like this person. Sooo now comes the important question: When is it too soon to explain to them my theory about pants being invented by Evil Soulless Cyborgs who feed off people experiencing mild discomfort??

18. But in all seriousness, Netflix and chill? TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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