1. The pure unadulterated joy of autumn beginning to whisper in the distance. “Almost, my love, almost!”
2. You cannot handle being overly hot. Or really, any temperature exceeding 76 degrees. Oversized sweaters and a slight chill in the air, please!
3. Your productivity decreases big time during the summer months. Not just because you’re tired and sluggish from the STUPID HEAT, but because you just…don’t really want to do much in general.
4. You find “summer activities” more of a hassle than enjoyable.
5. You just don’t get the fascination with the beach. Sure, it’s pretty. Sure, it’s nice to look at for maybe 5 minutes. But then you’re good! You’re basically Larry David in this episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.
6. Not to mention, the obnoxious advertising for “getting a beach body.” I’m almost entirely sure you had a body already. Unless you were a floating ghost until summer appeared and BAM, you suddenly gained corporeal form.
7. Mosquitos. Those. God. Damn. Mosquitos. GET OUT OF HERE, NO ONE INVITED YOU INTO MY PERSONAL SPACE!
8. You feel like barbecuing is highly overrated. Like, yes, it’s nice every now and then. And can be a fun social gathering with friends. But why does every single person want to have a summer BBQ every weekend? There are only so many hot dogs and blackened pieces of chicken we can handle.
9. You can’t escape all the children. Now listen, I love kids. I always have. And eventually, I can’t wait to be a mother. But summer means summer holiday for kids. And it’s not an exaggeration to say for a few months they are EVERYWHERE. Screaming, touching things, having germs.
10. You cannot stand the feeling of being sweaty. Unless you just had a truly marvelous romp in the sack, being sticky like that is just not worthwhile. You’d rather stay inside with the AC and wait for cooler months to appear.
11. Your favorite holidays are during fall and winter. Fourth Of July is lame and overhyped, I’M SORRY, IT HAD TO BE SAID.
12. You love dressing in layers. Sweaters, long-sleeves, beanies, scarves, etc. So many fun options! Whereas summer is basically just a game of how naked can you acceptably get.
13. Drinking hot beverages just means you are going to be miserable and a sudden sweat factory. You don’t want to be denied your hot latte! And don’t you tell us iced coffee is a fine substitute because it’s NOT THE SAME.
14. Your idea of a perfect time is a slightly rainy and stormy night. You can bundle up in blankets with candles lit, maybe just peacefully listen to the sound of it outside. Nowhere you have to be, just cozy and snuggled up. Bliss. Actual bliss.