1. If everyone wore signs indicating if they had a significant other.
Sure, you can scan for a wedding ring (though some married folks don’t wear them) and that might help weed out some of the taken folks. But there’s no “live-in girlfriend” or “very serious about my boyfriend of 4 years” button you can stick on people. BUT THERE SHOULD BE! No longer would you approach some babe at the bar only to find out they are waiting for their bae to get there. And you just shuffle back home, baeless.
2. If Netflix actually meant Netflix.
What if we just started saying: “So wanna come over for sex?” Because if you’re putting on an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer or any movie with Miles Teller in it, I’m watching it. It’s not going to just be background noise as we get more intimately acquainted. I want to actually watch Netflix together.
3. You could have a voicemail, but for texts.
“Hi, you’ve reached ____. Sorry I didn’t respond, but I’m not going to. Because you seemed really normal online until we met and then I realized you’re just kind of creepy.” The closest thing we have now is that dreaded *read by* text with no response. And no one wants to be on the receiving end of that. It’s hard to be honest when you don’t want to hurt feelings, so if you could just send out an automated message, it would help immensely.
4. If people with STDS had glowing genitals.
I mean, okay. So maybe not. Because this feels a little shame-y and I’m not about that life, but wouldn’t it at least make things easier? It would eliminate that awkward moment when you’re like, “Soooooo how’s your penis? That vagina doing okay? Everything all hunky-dory and I’m not in store for any burning surprises later?” Glowing junk could totally streamline the whole sexual process.
5. You aren’t allowed to follow each other on any social media accounts.
Nope. Just automatically banned. You can’t even try to lurk one another because you just can’t. It’s the new law. They can’t ask you why you were tweeting when you said you were busy (MAYBE YOU’RE JUST SOCIALLY AWKWARD AND TWEET WHILE AT SOCIAL EVENTS?!). And never again worry if that’s his sister or secret wife that he hides in his basement. You won’t have the opportunity to even see the picture! Hallelujah!
6. Emojis had specific definitions.
Is that just an eggplant emoji? Or like…an eggplant emoji?
7. You become exclusive after a certain amount of dates.
No more “what are we?” conversations. Nope. You’ve been out consecutively for a month or two? BOOM. YOU ARE GOING STEADY. Old school style. And if you’re not looking for that kind of relationship, you just peace out right before the change occurs. But try to avoid ghosting because nobody likes that.
8. You find out immediately if they hate something you love.
Differences keep things exciting. And I think it’s wonderful to respect what someone loves, even if you aren’t that into it. But we all have those sacred things that we hold special to us, for whatever the reason. What if you waste a bunch of time being googly-eyed for someone who HATES WITH A FIERY PASSION that thing you love more than your own Mom?? Jk. I love you more than anything, Mom.
9. There was an easy way to tell that barista you love them.
Is this just a personal problem? Does anyone else develop crushes on baristas you’ve barely spoken to? As a writer without an official office I work in, I spend a lot of time at coffee shops. And dammit, I wish it were more socially acceptable to just say: “A date with you” after being asked, “What can I get you today?”
10. You’re provided a picture of their orgasm face.
You know, to be prepared.
11. We all have ages stamped on foreheads.
Because nothing feels quite as weird as finding out the person you’re attracted to is 19. Really? You can’t even legally get into a bar with me? No. This isn’t going to work. It’s too ick.
12. A warning sound goes off if anyone is still hung up on an ex.
Everyone has a past and that’s totally fine. We’re made up of tiny little moments and people, and that’s never something to be ashamed of or to pretend doesn’t exist. But you damn sure don’t want to find out the person you are falling for is still pining for a former lover. No more second guessing if there are any unresolved feelings when an air horn starts blaring or Drake’s “Marvins Room” won’t stop playing on repeat.