12 Questions For Newly Bankrupt 50 Cent

With the recent news (do we want to even call it news? Hard hitting journalism, at your service) that rapper 50 Cent filed chapter 11 protection in the U.S. Bankruptcy Court, I thought it only right to revisit the classic 2003 jam “21 Questions.”

Normally, I’d feel like kind of an asshole for poking fun at anyone for financial troubles. But considering this news comes on the same exact day 50 Cent was supposed to appear in a New York state court to determine whether he owes punitive damages in 2010 lawsuit filed by Lastonia Leviston for allegedly violating her privacy by posting a sex tape of her and Rick Ross, I…just don’t feel as bad. Does it seem a little sketch that 50 could possibly be on the line for $5 million to Ms. Leviston and then claims bankruptcy? Sure does. SUUUURE DOES.

“21 Questions” is all about 50 Cent questioning his relationship and the foundation it’s built upon. “It’s easy to love me now, would you love me if I was down and out?”

So I had a few questions of my own, Mr. Cent.

P.I.M.P. - 50 Cent
P.I.M.P. – 50 Cent

1. Did she, in fact, still love you?

2. Have you noticed a dramatic change in your relationship status upon announcing bankruptcy?

3. “If I didn’t smell so good would you still hug me?” — Are you assuming you always smell good? Because I feel like you’d be the guy who smells like sweat and Axe cologne. Which…is not great.

4. What was that whole you dating Chelsea Handler thing because I think I speak on behalf of us all when I say, “WHAAAAT?”

5. When you said, “I love you like a fat kid love cake,” what exactly is this cake made of? You know, BMI doesn’t discount the possibility of a gluten allergy! Do your research, Mr. Cent.

6. “If I wrote you a love letter would you write back?” — Did she hit you with that *read by* text? Cause damn bro, I feel you.

7. Are you a big fan of Dr. Seuss? Because that whole song seems like a rip off, to be quite honest. “Would you love me on a bus?” OKAY, SEEN THIS BEFORE.

8. 50 Cent, a name or a bank account statement?

9. “If I got locked up and sentenced to a quarter century, could I count on you to be there to support me mentally?” — What did you do though? I feel like the lady you’re asking this of needs more information before giving a definitive answer.

10. “In the bed if I used my tongue would you like that?” — Have you never been with a woman before? Do you need to ask this?

11. Have you ever considered pulling a Snoop Lion and reinventing yourself? “One Penny” has a dope ring to it.

12. Are you mad ’cause I’m asking you questions? TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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