12 Signs You’re Talking To A Basic Bro On Tinder

I’ve typically gone to bat in defense of the “term” basic because, um, who cares what you like? The “Basic Bitch” gets pretty brutally made fun for a myriad of silly reasons. Hey, if you want to slurp down cracked-out-sugar-filled Frappuccinos and watch endless Friends reruns (which I do, SO?) — DO IT. So in all fairness, I wanted to take an equal crack at the Basic Bros. And where have I found an overwhelming abundance? An addicting and hollow app known as Tinder. Full disclosure: I’ve met cool people from it. And hey, all the Basics need love! But here are the warning signs you might be talking to a Basic Bro on Tinder. Proceed with caution.
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1. He has a shirtless bathroom selfie.

The simple act of going shirtless is not indicative of a basic bro — (At the beach, 4th of July, on an operating table receiving open-heart surgery, all dandy) and being proud of one’s body is something to be celebrated, not mocked. But if he’s flexing and snapping photos in the gym bathroom? Back away. Basic Bro.

2. His list of what he’s NOT looking for is longer than what he is.

His bio reads like a very bitter Basic Bro. But if you meet his qualifications, OH LUCKY DAY!

Basic Bro: “No drama. Don’t watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians or be a girl who takes too many selfies. Not looking for crazies, I don’t have time for games. Only one or two tattoos, if any. Be natural, don’t want to wake up not knowing your actual face. I am real, 100%, so I’m looking for that. No ordering “just a salad” or faking that you like sports.”

3. He mentions beer.

Is this some secret agreement all heterosexual men have to make in order to activate their Tinder account? Cool, you like craft beers. I get it. It’s a trendy thing to say. But unless you own a brewery or design beer bottle labels, is it necessary to really list it? Extra basic points if it just says: “Sports. Beer. Friends.” Oh wow, tell me more, you special, special snowflake.

4. He slut-shames thinking it’s complimentary to you.

I’m not saying we all need to have the same outlook on sex, sexuality, expression, blahblahblah. But when a guy thinks being derogatory towards another woman = flattering? Noooooo. Not ever. Being glad you “aren’t like those other girls” isn’t a sweet thing to say. It’s Basic Bro lingo.

5. He asks for nudes.

If you want to take, send, make a career out of nudes – that is your prerogative and totally your call. But if right out of the gate he’s messaging you for pictures of your body (before even meeting you) that is A) a red flag because you don’t ACTUALLY know him or his identity and B) the grossest of Basic Bros around. There are naked people all over the internet! What a ballsy (no pun intended) move to immediately assume you’ll bless him with your birthday suit. Tell him to go back to PornHub.

6. He’s spooning a tiger.

Do you all go to the same sanctuary to take pictures? Is there a tiger reservation specifically for Basic Bros to take photographic evidence of how ~*~*cool~*~ and ~*~*adventurous~*~ they are? I get it, I’d LOVE to cuddle a tiger. And hell, maybe I’m just being jealous because I don’t have an awesome tiger photo, but why is this so popular? No, really. I’m asking where do you guys go????

7. He’s wearing sunglasses in every photo.

This could be a sign of a Basic Bro, or perhaps even more serious, um, a serial killer? The eyes are the windows to the soul, soooo…what is he hiding? LET US SEE YOUR EYES.

8. He only takes photos at clubs.

Or that’s what he’d have you thinking based on the fact that EVERY DAMN PHOTO IS AT A PARTY? A party thing? A rave? I don’t know. And if nightlife is important to you, cool. Go have fun. But you’ve likely spotted a Basic Bro who is trying a little too hard to prove how fun he is.

9. He won’t stop talking about the Entourage movie.

“Your name is Ari? Like Ari Gold!!”
*cue a never-ending one-sided conversation*

10. He is holding a guitar in a photo, but can’t play.

It’s kind of like the classic “here’s a puppy/kitten/cute-fluffy thing” that I don’t actually own, but I might?? He wants to show how cultured and artistic he is. Only problem? He doesn’t play a single instrument. It’s all an illusion.

11. Fight Club is his favorite movie.

Yes. It’s a good movie. Yes, I get it. But for every girl who says Legally Blonde is her favorite movie? You can find her male counterpart reciting: “The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk about Fight Club.”

12. His motto is: “Work hard, Play harder.”

He was likely a huge champion for YOLO. He has an Instagram full of hashtags like #gains or documenting leg day. I encourage you to message him: “All work and no play makes ____ a dull boy.” If he gets it, maybe there’s something there. If he doesn’t, abandon ship. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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