Please Help: Analyze These 7 Weird Celebrity Sex Dreams Of Mine

It’s fairly common for me to wake up and group text my friends, “okay, so I had the weirdest sex dream last night.” I took a stab at figuring a few of them out (also LOL stab ~*~innuendos~*) but I’m open to some other interpretations. Let’s figure out my freaky little REM-cycle mind, shall we?

1. Louis C.K.

Louie
Louie

The (reoccurring) dream:

I’m in New York, traipsing about, being a dumb 20-something – the very epitome of everything Louis finds heinous and annoying. I’m at a trendy bar, or hotel lobby, or sketchy pizza parlor that seems like a front for something else, and suddenly there he is. That balding, beautiful, redheaded hunk. He insults me a lot, but in a funny way that has me laughing so hard I’m almost crying. And we end up having very sloppy sex. He asks if I can choke him and I’m immediately weirded out. He wants to cuddle, but I grab an Uber because I have an early morning meeting.

Analysis:

Daddy issues? You would think, but I’m not sure that’s the root here. A desire to hook up with a comedian more successful than the “comic” who “broke my heart” and said I “don’t understand air quotes” ??? Maybe. Or I just really want to fuck Louis C.K.


2. Kim Kardashian

Keeping Up With the Kardashians
Keeping Up With the Kardashians

The (kind of creepy) dream:

Kim and I are friends. I’ve babysat North so she could have date nights with Kanye. She, in turn, paid a year of my rent. A pretty fair trade it seemed. I’m learning about this new side to Kim. That she’s actually very loving, accepting, generous. I keep thinking, “I want to tell the world! She’s actually wonderful!” And then one night, Kim tells me my outfit is revealing. I am confused because I’m wearing a onesie. She begins to aggressively unzip it before I pull away, telling her how uncomfortable this is making me. “I just don’t see you that way, Kim. I’m sorry.” She begins to cry and throws her book, Selfish, at my face.

Analysis:

I have left-over guilt about watching a full season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians when I was in the midst of a terrible break up. Or I’m secretly Ray J.


3. Arthur

Arthur
Arthur

The dream:

Arthur is older. He’s a recent college graduate working as a recruiter. He’s experiencing the post-grad blues, lost, terrified to face the reality of student debt. He envisioned himself as the next Hemingway, but realizes it’s been months since he’s sat down and written anything for pleasure. I spot him in a coffee shop. It’s kind of weird because he’s an aardvark. But he’s wearing glasses and a sweater from Urban Outfitters, so I decide he’s human enough. He kisses me. I wake up before any cartoon beastiality goes down.

Analysis:

I hooked up with a guy who once changed his Twitter picture to one of Arthur. I really liked him, but we stopped texting. C’est la vie. Hey, what a wonderful kind of day.


4. Kimbra

"Miracle" - Kimbra
“Miracle” – Kimbra

The dream:

Kimbra invites me over to her apartment. It’s kind of weird because there’s a lot of sexual tension (though I identify as hetereosexual) and she keeps asking if I want to pet her kitty. But then she brings out an actual kitten. And we all snuggle. She starts to take off my shirt, but then I remember I left the stove on and I run back home. I shout, “I’ll text you!!!!” But I never do.

Analysis:

I like Kimbra. I’m also very scared of my house burning down.


5. Lil Dicky

"Classic Male PreGame" - Lil Dicky
“Classic Male PreGame” – Lil Dicky

The dream:

We’re in love. Like very serious, contemplating whether or not I want to renew my lease or just move in with him, kind of love. He’s the first Jewish guy I’ve actually dated (and it makes my family super excited). When we have sex, it’s playful and tender. We’re essentially a romcom. But with more dick jokes and rap.

Analysis:

I want to date Lil Dicky.


6. Jeff Garlin and Larry David

Curb Your Enthusiasm
Curb Your Enthusiasm

The dream:

We attempt a threesome, but Larry throws his back out. We all get frozen yogurt instead.

Analysis:

I miss watching Curb Your Enthusiasm.


7. Action Bronson

"Baby Blue" - Action Bronson ft. Chance The Rapper
“Baby Blue” – Action Bronson ft. Chance The Rapper

The dream:

We split a gluten-free pizza. He tells me he likes my green eyes. We have sex in the back of his car. I’m on top. He sweats a lot.

Analysis:

I have no fucking clue. TC mark

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Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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