1. When you first open the shutters in the morning, you become instantly repulsed and enraged by how bright the world is. “HEY SUN, CAN YOU JUST CALM DOWN A LITTLE??!” And it’s funny. Until you realize how much you truly do prefer darkness.
2. You fantasize about throwing your cell phone into the ocean. But maybe retrieving it unharmed at a later point. You think about how much of your life exists on that silly piece of technology and it kind of makes you sick. You feel ashamed of how reliant you are on this false feeling of connection. You let your phone die and don’t plug it in for hours.
3. Your inbox is flooded with texts from borderline concerned friends like, “Dude, are you alive?” And you wonder if you are.
4. You look at pictures of yourself from years ago and feel a strange jealousy. You are jealous of who you once were. Envious of this person who still lives in you. Somewhere.
5. You’ve Googled narcolepsy because you’re not sure how one person can nap so much. It’s all fun and games to say, “I love napping! I love Netflix!” But it’s another thing entirely when it becomes a certain kind of addiction. An escape from facing uncomfortable realities.
6. You’re legitimately becoming nocturnal. You’re like the Walking Dead from about 9 am – 9 pm, and then suddenly, YOU ARE AWAKENED.
7. You’ve stopped doing the things that you’re passionate about. There’s an uncomfortable disinterest that has washed over you. You’re not sure when it even started.
8. You’re constantly making jokes about your own sadness. Because, if everyone is laughing, it’s fine? Make ’em laugh. Keep ’em entertained. Then maybe they won’t poke further.
9. You have two modes when it comes to sex: zero interest or an incessant need. Your relationship with something that should make you feel good, bring you pleasure and satisfaction, feels a bit like an acquaintance you’re trying to get to know, but you just can’t find it in you to care.
10. You try to write a funny listicle and it goes someplace bleak instead.
11. You click onto another web page.
12. You have 7 tabs on your internet browser.
13. None of them mean much of anything.
14. But you keep looking.
15. You’re always looking.
16. Someone asks what you’re doing. You shrug your shoulders.
17. So you keep looking.