1. While other people are busy making 4/20 plans, you’re making 4/20 excuses. “Oh, yeah, I’d TOTALLY love to blaze it up with you man, but like, I need to wash my cat. Or something. I mean my hair. I need to walk my cat and wash my hair. Wash my cat’s hair.”
2. You are always ready and willing to be a designated driver. Sure, you might not be having as much fun at the party, always a little on guard, ready to jump in and take care of someone if they need it, but everyone else appreciates you? You think? Maybe?
3. Your normal functioning brain already freaks you out enough as is. Panic attack, party of one!
4. You’ve done a super morbid Google search of “people who died the first time they tried drugs” like a poorly constructed D.A.R.E. presentation. It still freaked you out though.
5. You tell everyone you’re TOTALLY not judgmental though. “Oh, none for me, thanks. But you do whatever! You go, you party animal!” But of course, you judge a little. Because you’re human. And we all do it sometimes.
6. The possibility of scary side-effects outweigh any modicum of curiosity you have. “DEATH? I COULD DIE??? Hm, I’m going to pass this time.”
7. You hold your breath whenever you’re around a smoker, because your seventh grade health teacher brought in lungs that had cancer, and you’re not taking any chances.
8. You are constantly asking your Cannabis enthusiast friends if these are normal cookies or like, those cookies.
9. You’re so weirded out, you even avoid taking over-the-counter pain killers. It’s like you want to test your own body. “IT’S MAKING ME STRONGER! I’M FINE!”
10. You’re confident that you’ll never fold to peer pressure simply because your fears outweigh any need to fit in.
11. You’re very aware of your alcohol/caffeine/sugar intake because those are addictive too.
12. But if you do decide to branch out and try something pretty mild, like marijuana, you immediately start listening to Afroman and Kid Cudi for the rest of the day because like, SUDDENLY YOU GET IT.
13. But you probably took one inhale, didn’t even get a little high, and spent the rest of the evening telling everyone how stoned you got. *completely hypothetical situation though, like did not happen to anyone you know or anyone writing this article*
14. When you heard “pop a Molly, I’m sweating” you thought someone was going to shoot your favorite childhood American Girl Doll. And even that made you nervous. “WHAT DID MOLLY EVER DO TO YOU EXCEPT BE ADORABLE WITH HER GLASSES AND BRAIDS?!?”
15. You are comfortable accepting your buzzkill nature because at least your buzz won’t kill you? *a voice whispers* “we all die eventually though” Bleakman out. (Get it?…my last name is Eastman…ok bye)