I kind of enjoy crying. As a kid, one of my favorite things to do was stand in front of the mirror and see if I could get tears to start. #Bleak, right? But there’s something very therapeutic about it. There’s a purity to it. It’s like, “WOAH, BODY, WHATCHA DOING?! WATER IS COMING OUT OF MY EYEBALLS AND I AM POWERLESS TO STOP IT!”
So as a crying connoisseur, I wanted to share my knowledge and *expertise* on how to have the PEFECT night of ugly, ugly sobbing. Cheers to that!
1. Consume alcohol!!!!!
Always drink responsibly. And all you young ones, NO. NOT YOU. Go climb trees or I don’t know, whatever you teenagers are doing these days. I am 23 and out of touch. But for those able to indulge in some liquid love, do it. My personal favorite for crying: wine. Wine and whine.
2. Read old messages from people you lost contact with!!!
“Whatever happened to Susie? We were so close. I used to spend every summer living at her house and we promised we’d be best friends forever, now I have no idea what she even does or if she’s alive!”
*reads old texts*
*looks at old photos*
*experiences a swelling of emotion*
3. Listen to songs that make you FEEL things!!!
I’ve gone ahead and prepared a Spotify playlist for you so you can just turn it on and feel your eyes start to get all hot and bothered. Yay! Lump in the throat mood music.
4. Watch videos of dogs being reunited with soldiers!!!
Owwww, my heaaaaart.
5. Drink more (responsibly) !!!!!
Tears not flowing fast enough? POUR ANOTHER ONE!
6. Read “missed connections” on Craigslist!!!
And feel so sorry for those poor souls who will probably never meet. THAT WAS THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE AND YOU MESSED UP. YOU WON’T FIND EACH OTHER AGAIN, I’M SO SORRY!!!!!
7. Lurk your exes on social media!!!
Oh wow, don’t they look happy in that picture? Oh, that’s sweet, they are still together! OH, AREN’T YOU SO HAPPY THEY ARE HAPPY AND IN LOVE HAHAH YAAAAA!!! *tightening in the chest*
8. Listen to this!!!!!!!
AHHHHHH!! Etta! Stop it! STOP THIS RIGHT NOW!!! (Never stop)
9. Make a list of all the things you regret doing!!!
1. Reading this article!!!!
2. Reading this article!!!
3. Running out of wine!!!!
10. Remember the Soulja Boy “Crank That” dance!!!
Depending on your age, you may or may not have participated in this dance. Doesn’t that make you cry? It makes me cry. I vividly remember a high school homecoming dance when everyone did it in unison. YOUUU CRANK THAT SOULJA BOY *sobs*
11. Text someone and never get a text back!!!!
Maybe they are in the jungle and don’t have service? PROBABLY NOT SO GO AHEAD AND CRY!!!
12. Read something that moves you!!!
For me, it’s usually Pablo Neruda.
“What does it matter that my love couldn’t keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
That’s all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.
As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.
The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.
Someone else’s. She will be someone else’s. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.” – Neruda
13. Think about “Marley & Me” !!!
WHYYYYYYYYY??!??! OH WHY, OH WHY?!?!
14. Compare yourself to anyone who is more successful!!!
“Oh, Sam Smith is younger than me, THAT’S FUN!!!!”
15. Watch those Sarah McLachlan dying animal commercials!!!
Don’t you DARE fast forward. You stare into those sad puppy eyes and you FEEL, dammit! Cry even harder when you realize you can’t rescue all of them.
16. Google “saddest movies ever” and watch all of them!!
Because let’s be real, nothing says good time quite like Titanic or Schindler’s List.
17. LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR!!!
Those puffy eyes! That red, runny nose! You’re what dreams are made of.