22 Things You Say To Your Pet That Would Be Weird To Say To Your Date

Marley & Me
Marley & Me

1. “Aww, come give Mama a kissy!”

2. “Should we go outside and see if you have to potty?!”

3. “Stop licking your butt.”

4. “Should we go for a W-A-L-K?”

5. “Who is soooo ugly they’re cute? I said who’s the cutest ugliest little baby?!”

6. “Don’t sniff that.”

7. “It smells like something died in your mouth.”

8. “AWW, did you catch Mommy a mouse?”

9. “Okay, stop bringing me dead shit.”

10. *high pitched* LOOK AT YOU MYLITTLEBABYWABYWEEBIE *unintelligible gibberish*

11. “Does somebody need their anal glands expressed?”

12. “Shit, I forgot to feed you this morning.”

13. “Sit!”

14. “Stay!”

15. “Good boy/girl!”

16. “WHO IS MAMA’S FAVORITE?!?!”

17. “YOU ARE MAMA’S FAVORITE!!!!!!”

18. “STOP SHITTING ON THE CARPET!”

19. “Why do you always chew my dirty underwear?”

20. “Seriously, leave my dirty laundry in the basket.”

21. “I love you.”

22. “Stop fucking humping my leg!!” TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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