What Your Spirit Animal Says About You
By Ari Eastman
We all have something that causes us to shriek in joy, “THAT IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL!” Animals, people, inanimate objects, whatever floats your boat. Mine, for example, is Helga Pataki. I feel a kinship with that uni-browed babe. So let’s sum up your entire existence based on one thing you like, shall we?
Sloth
You’re not lazy, though some ignorant fools may otherwise suggest. You’re just hellaaaa chill, bro. You roll with the punches and it takes a lot to knock you down for the count. Yes, it’s true that you have a strong mental and physical connection to your couch and Netflix account, but this doesn’t keep you from leading a productive and fulfilling life. You just likely won’t be rolling up to the club sippin’ Bacardi. Sloths prefer the more low-key pleasures in life. You appreciate curling up with a good book and then staying there for 48 hours.
Deer
Aww, you sensitive little Bambi, you! You’re this delicate, angelic thing, but you can also really annoy the hell out of people. If you just stopped eating food that wasn’t yours, it would really benefit and strengthen the relationships in your life. Stick to your own plate! If you wanted a side of fries, YOU SHOULD HAVE ORDERED THEM! Regardless, people still tend to find themselves enamored with you, despite the fact that you are kind of basic.
Bald Eagle
You likely shout ‘MERICA at Fourth of July parties and definitely own at least one pair of Chubbies swim trunks. Your Tinder profile says something profoundly deep like, “I love beer.” *insert beer emoji*
Wolf
If you wanted to be summed up in one song, it would probably be Big Sean’s “I Don’t Fuck With You.” You love those important to you fiercely, but can be aloof as a motha-effer. You disappear for long periods at night. Maybe you’re howling. Maybe you’re listening to Big Sean. Maybe you’re just reenergizing because you need some solo time to be that badass.
Bear
SHE A BRICK HOUUUSE, SHE MIGHTY MIGHTY, JUST LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT. You’re big. And I don’t mean that in a physical sense, I mean you’re just big. Heart. Passion. Hugs. You walk into a room and we know it. You also might be friends with a tiny, incredibly neurotic pig.
Coffee
YOU TALK REALLY FAST SOMETIMES AND LIKE, YOU’RE SORRY IF THAT IS BOTHERSOME BUT YOU HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO DO AND PEOPLE TO SEE AND OMG, IS THAT A DOG OUTSIDE?!??!?! You LOVE dogs!!!!!
Chandler Bing
You’re hilarious, deeply guarded, and dated someone you’re incredibly embarrassed to admit to now. Ohhhh mahhhh gawddddddddd. But don’t worry, we’ve all been there. You’re sarcastic and witty, and without humor you would probably just curl up in the fetal position and die. It’s part of you, a vital part of living: like eating or breathing.
…This?
…just keep doing you. I don’t have much to say. You’re kind of hard to explain, like when Nickelback starts playing on my Elle Varner Pandora station.
Jaden Smith
If I Told You Who You Were You Would Not Believe Me Because Neither Of Us Are Even Here, So Words Would Just Render Themselves Meaningless.
Shark
You’re probably the god damn best. And no, I’m ABSOLUTELY not biased at all. You should call me so we can start an inevitable best friendship. Sharks = BFF starting material.