1. Full Blown Denial
You DON’T have a crush. Nope. Nooooooo. Your heart always feels like it’s about to bust through your chest like the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes when people say hi to you. Totaaallly normal. *faints*
2. Daydream Central
You’re not ready to admit to anything out loud, but you can’t escape that powerful pup of yours: your own brain. You’re not harming anyone imagining your *you don’t have a crush* crush confessing they feel the same way. Maybe it’s raining. Maybe Ed Sheeran is playing softly in the background. Maybe you do have a crush…
3. Social Media Rabbit Hole
Can we just be honest? We’re all creeps from time to time when we dig someone. There you are, just minding your own business, looking at photos of that perfect face (sighhhh) and before you know it, you’ve landed yourself in an album from 2007. Oops. You also take notice of previous relationships. “Ahhh, so he dated this girl in 2008. She kind of looks like me?? I see she is still in occasional photos in 2009, but completely disappears 2010 onward. INTERESTING!”
4. Desperately Seeking Signs
You become some obsessive millennial Sherlock, hoping some hidden meaning exists in emojis or statuses. WHAT? Profile picture changed. Significant other not in the new one. WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?!?!?!?!?!?!?
5. Crying…Tons Of Crying
Sometimes you just gotta put on Frank Ocean’s “Bad Religion” and sob hysterically. “It’s a bad religion, this unrequited looooove.”
6. “I’m Over It”
It’s their loss. You’re fucking fantastic. You’re GLAD they found someone to love. SO HAPPY FOR THEM. You are practically writing your toast for their wedding because you’re 100% over it. You are so beyond it that you will continuously tell your friends you’re fine. “I’m really not feeling him anymore, honestly.” Honestly…
7. Just Kidding, Still Sprung
Put on Frank Ocean again. Let it happen, just let it happen. Watch the episode where Ross and Rachel break up the first time. Don’t fast forward the Sarah McLachlan sad puppy commercials. You just want to feeeeeel.
8. What If
Maybe the most damaging of all the stages, and the one that always haunts us, kind of like when Paris Hilton tried to be a singer for a hot second. The “what if” is inevitable. What if you had just met them first? Would they be with you? Would you make them happier? What if Paris Hilton had never released “Stars Are Blind”??
9. Friend Intervention
Bless those angelic folks who stick around even when we go a little nutso. The ones who hear you repeat the same text message 17000 times and also gently remind you of realities you conveniently like to forget. Like how your crush isn’t available. And you need to maybe ACTUALLY move on. Trust, I know it’s hard. But there’s someone out there you can feel all squishy about who is actually single. I promise.