I’m Still In Love With You

Merve illeux
Merve illeux

I am still in love with you.
โ€จI will hide this from you when you ask.
I will hide this from your Facebook feed.
I will hide this, most days, from myself.
I will hide this when in two weeks,
I make bold proclamations that I am feeling less hopeless over the diagnosis of friendship
and that seeing you will not gut me.
That seeing you will not strip every bone from my body,
shatter them against a wall,
grind my muscles into dust,
and leave me to walk home from the bar without feet,
or direction.

Our friendship,
I will say,
is more important.

The closet of your skeletons I keep,
More important.
The nights we sip on vulnerability,
drunk on โ€œremember that timeโ€
whisky, and promises we will never keep.
More important.
The first time you hugged me in Barneyโ€™s,
More important.
The night that could have ended in tragedy,
but didnโ€™t,
More important.
The time you didnโ€™t kiss me,
More important.
The time you did kiss me,
More important.
The time you kissed me and I stopped you,
More important.
The time I didnโ€™t stop you, but then cried in your bathroom,
More important.

The time you werenโ€™t afraid,
Didnโ€™t resort to a joke,
No defense mechanism.
Only your heart in rhythm with mine.

More important.

You are more important than I can explain rationally
to any of my friends,
who are correct when they remind me
that you, my love,
are a car wreck I continue to stare at.
The rejection letter I keep rereading.
My mother is shaking her head.
My ego is pleading for a cease and desist.

But last night, you texted me,
โ€œYou are everything to me.โ€

You are everything to me.
That is why,
I will lie to you,
about my love.

Because you are more important. TC mark

Ari Eastman

โœจ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. โœจ

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