I Have Bipolar Disorder (And That’s Okay)


She is wearing a bright blue sweater underneath her white coat.
Her hair looks like it has tiny flecks of purple.

she seems.
I like her.
She is soft, but assertive.
Her touch is warm as we shake hands,
and I am not afraid of what she will tell me.
She asks me questions.
Her cerulean oceans staring into my emeralds,
I am not uncomfortable with my answers.
And neither is she.

The words I have long suspected materialize in this space.

Bipolar Disorder:
a manic-depressive illness characterized by unusual shifts in mood,
Activity levels.
The nights I am wide awake,
fueled by projects and ideas and burning potential.

I am burning.
I cannot sit still.
I am supernova,
always on the brim of an explosion.
There is ash on my fingertips.
I do not smoke.

The days I only get out of bed
because it is what society dictates,
and I am afraid of what silence will do.
I practice the blocking for my family,
I am one woman show.
A character, regurgitating her lines.
But alone, I dance with The Reaper.
I hide in a black cloak,
and run my skeletal fingers up and down his spine.

She says my brain is wired differently.
She spews words:
Prefrontal Cortex.
Talking Very Fast.
Problems with Decision Making.
Impulsive Behavior.
Overly Long Periods of Hopelessness.

Now, I do not like her as much.
I understand she is doing her job.
She is helping.
She is trying to help,
but she is not helping.
She is reading me like a manual.
I am not a singular definition.
Maybe my brain is different,
because I am supposed to be different.
I am supernova.
Unlimited potential.
Something people study,
and research,
and marvel at.

This disease,
is part of me.

But it is not me.

It is not me. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Read this: 14 Surprising Ways Life Actually Gets Better After 25
Read this: He Tells Me I’m A Nice Girl
Read this: What It Means To Date A Girl Without A Father

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

Keep up with Ari on Instagram and Amazon

More From Thought Catalog