27 Totally Normal Things Girls Do When They’re Waiting For You To Text Back

30 Rock
30 Rock

1. Act like everything is totaaaally cool and casual. I mean, it’s not like she even cares that much. She’d barely even notice if you DID text back. HAHAH, you fool. She’s WHATEVA about it.

2. Double check to make sure her last text sent. Because maybe it was all a dream and she totally forgot to press send?! Quick little confirmation to just make sure you got it. Ah, yep. Delivered. *dramatic music swells and there’s a slow zoom in on the word DELIVERED*

3. Still not convinced, goes to her phone carrier’s store front just to make sure everything’s working right. Just in case.

4. OKAY BUT STILL NOT SURE, texts herself to see if she’s receiving text messages.

5. Feels a sudden kinship with Taylor Swift. Softly whispers, “Why can’t you see? You belong with me” into her phone.

6. Turns her phone on silent because WHO EVEN CARES ANYMORE?!

7. Freaks out and deletes your number.

8. Freaks out about her freak out and turns into a creepy Sherlock and tracks down your number again.

9. Makes sure her phone’s charged…and then charges it again anyways.

10. Wonders if all those times she’s said, “Dying. I’m dead” have culminated in her actually dying and this is what purgatory is like.

11. Makes a lasagna…FOR ONE.

12. Goes for a stupid walk and leaves her stupid phone behind because who needs a stupid phone when you go for a STUPID WALK.

13. “Happy” starts playing and contemplates poking out her eyeballs with a fork.

14. Sends Tom from Myspace a message to see what he’s been up to.

15. Finishes her memoir titled: “All The Things I Did Waiting For You To Text Me Back (But I’m Not Bitter)” and it becomes a New York Times best-seller.

16. Actually watches a pot of water boil.

17. Considers ordering a pizza and hitting on the delivery boy.

18. Flies to Italy and makes a pizza from scratch instead.

19. Tom from Myspace finally writes back, “Have we met? Can I text you?”

20. Builds a rocket ship and flies to the moon to avoid cell service for a little bit. A watched pot never boils, right? (Except for that one earlier)

21. Comes back immediately to see if you texted. You didn’t. Destroys her rocket ship in an act of pure passion.

22. Discovers the secret to time travel and goes back to Prohibition era and gets wasted at a Speakeasy.

23. Double texts you. Drunk. At the Speakeasy.

24. Watches Hey Arnold and just totally, 100% understands Helga Pataki.

25. Briefly considers the possibility that maybe you got eaten by a polar bear and like, are you okay? Should she call someone?

26. Hears a beep but then it’s just the microwave and wants to throw the microwave into the ocean. (What ocean? But like, yeah. Just roll with it)

27. Thinks about just starting all over in a brand new city with a brand new identity. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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