13 Bizarrely Hot Things About Men

Shutterstock / Serov
Shutterstock / Serov

1. That protruding vein in the arm

I think it’s rare to meet a woman who identifies as heterosexual (or pan, bi, anyone who can enjoy a fella) who doesn’t have some weird affection for this part of a man. It’s actually kind of a creepy and vampiric attraction to have when you think about it, but GOD DAYUM! THAT VEINNNNN. It’s probably a sign of low body fat percentage or something more superficial than any of us want to readily admit, but yum. Can you lift up that bag of groceries one more time for me? Slow motion for me, move in slow motion for mehhh.

2. If they say hi to a dog passing by

Any attention or affection to an animal probably triggers some biological “HAVE MY BABIES” response in our bodies. But seriously, the more you pet that dog, the more someone might want you to pet the kitty. Just keep that in mind.

3. Shoulder blades

Almost every time I feel gooey and sentimental and decide to write a love poem about my latest Romeo, I pen some #basic metaphors and lines about how it feels to trace his shoulder blades. I’m not about to be named a Nobel Prize Laureate anytime soon (duh), but there’s a reason I’m so fixated on remembering how it feels to touch those little boney babes. They give me the tingles.

4. When they tease you about something you said a while ago

It means he was legitimately listening and stored the information away. Even if he’s playfully giving you shit about something, this is a pretty good indicator that he cares about what you say and makes an effort to remember. But if he can dish it out, he better be prepared for your rebuttal.

5. Being kind of awkward

This might be a personal preference because I’m not exactly the smoothest baby bottom in the bassinet. If a guy is Mr. Lothario, all slick and almost disgustingly charming all the time, it’s not very attractive. It’s concerning, and probably all an act established eons ago when someone stabbed his fragile ego. A man who is endearingly awkward is so much more real. Real is sexy, point blank.

6. That audible gulp/swallow sound they make before things get HAWT

In the best relationships, bringing pleasure to your partner only intensifies your own pleasure. You know that moment when you reach for his belt and your dude has that, “Oh, fuck yeah” look and swallows loudly enough that you can actually hear it? It’s like an auditory lube, readying you for action.

7. When they say your name

This seems obvious, but it’s just nice to hear. Sure, there’s a place for the babe and sweetheart moments of the world, but calling me the name my parents agreed upon decades ago will always be a favorite. Whether it’s gently before we go to sleep or in the midst of a tickle match gone awry, hearing a guy say your actual name is so reassuring and sexy. Even hotter if you generally go by a nickname (*ahem Ari) and he pulls out the full name (Arielle…). Not like, hinting to my future lover(s?) or anything…

8. When they are comfortable being silly

Picture this: It’s Sunday morning. You are in the shower and you can faintly hear Swift’s 1989 blasting in the other room. You come out to see him full on pelvic thrusting and Ashlee Simpson lip syncing into your hair brush. And he’s not embarrassed by being caught in the act, he just extends his hand to you to join him. Instant lady boner.

9. When they suck at something

Perfection is such a buzz kill. Seeing him try something he’s clearly not going to make a professional career out of reminds you he’s a mere mortal, just like you. Plus, nobody wants to be with that one freak of nature who is good at everything.

10. PENISSSSSS (size irrelevant)

No offense men, but penises are kind of fucking weird. If you really study one up close, which I’d advise against, it is pretty bizarre we want these little (or big, medium, smedium, whatevs) mysteries all up in our own business. I remember being kind of terrified to see one for the first time, but when my then boyfriend unzipped and pulled out his Johnson, I thought, yep. I like that.

11. When they disagree with you

If he’s just doing this to be a tool or you have fundamentally different views, probably not going to be too hot. But a guy who sticks to his guns on what he believes, even if you don’t always agree, is very attractive.

12. Voices that sometimes crack

As long as you aren’t actually 12, guys who occasionally still have breaks in their voices are adorable, and somehow sexy at the same time. It’s this sudden cute moment of innocence, and guys usually get all red-faced and make a joke about going through puberty again. Am I alone in liking this? Omg, please tell me I’m not alone in this.

13. Having some scruff

I can dig the clean, baby-faced look or full on hipster/lumberjack beard, but nothing beats a little scruff. It’s strange that this is a look we often find attractive, because really it just means he was too lazy to shave, and/or has trouble fully committing to serious facial hair. What does this say? I have no clue, but that 5’oclock shadow has me feeling all kinds of feelings. TC mark

Read this: This Is How We Date Now
Read this: 30 Men On The Moment They Realized They Were In Love
Read this: When You Look At Someone And Realize You’re Going To Fall In Love

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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