1. “Hey buddy”
Ohhhhh. The pain. It almost hurt just typing that. Bud, Buddy, Pal. Any variation of this super chummy, super platonic, super-never-want-to-see-you-naked nickname is a stab straight in the heart. It’s almost equivalent to someone handing you a fortune cookie that simply says, “Not gonna happen.” A moment of silence for all the buddies out there.
2. “Soooo, what’s the deal with your friend?”
I DON’T KNOW. GO ASK THEM?? I’M FINE. DON’T WORRY. *cries in the bathroom*
3. “Oh yeah, that reminds me of when my ex….”
Listen, we all have our baggage. We have memories we share with people in the past, and that’s totally fine. If anything, love and loss make us better and more self-aware people. But let’s be honest, if your crush is talking about an ex constantly…good chance there are way too many feelings still floating around. Abandon ship.
4. “I absolutely hate *insert your favorite musician/movie/tv show here*”
This probably isn’t enough to stop your crushing, but depending how important that thing you love (that they hate) is…welllll, your soul might be hurting a little bit. My very first boyfriend didn’t like Friends. I actually recoiled.
5. “You’re like my sister/brother.”
UM. That makes the dream you had last night very, very wrong. Illegal. So illegal.
6. “Someone thought we were a couple. Isn’t that hilarious?”
Totally! So hilarious, in fact, that tears will start to silently roll down your cheeks. You know…from all that hilarious laughter. Hahah. Haha. Ha. H-*sobs*
7. “You’re great, but…”
I love butts. Anaconda don’t want none. Break the internet. All about it. However, that is a “but” nobody wants to hear. ADD ANOTHER T, OR GTFO.
8. “You’re so cute, like a little kid.”
NOOOOOOOOO! I AM GROWN AND SEXY. PLZ. Do not view me as a child, dear god. Please. I still like to cut the crust off my sandwiches, SOOOO???
9. “There’s just no one I’m really interested in right now.”
K, chill. Same. Saaaaaame.
10. “You deserve someone way better than me.”
Read this as: “I’m reserving all my goodness for someone else.” Ouch. I know, I’m sorry. We can share a tub of ice cream and drown our sorrows in Gilmore Girls episodes. You down?
11. “I’m not really a relationship person.”
…so does this include marriage? Like, maybe you aren’t digging that boyfriend/girlfriend deal, but how about till death do us part?
12. “I own all the Nickelback CDs.”
PLEAAAAASE, ANYTHING ELSE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!