26 Weird Thoughts You Have In Your First Year As A Post-Grad

Post Grad
Post Grad

1. “How did HE get a job at Google?! I saw him puke three times on Halloween freshman year, but oh, cool he has his own office and traveled to Thailand for 2 weeks. Whatevs, I hope he throws up again this Halloween.”

2. “Okay, would it be weird to hit on my old TA? Because damn, I see those Facebook photos at the beach, and I’m pretty hot for teach.”

3. “At what point in life does it become inappropriate to drunkenly text the assortment of names in my contacts that I don’t even remember putting in my phone to start with?

4. *binges on cartoons from childhood*
“Helga Pataki is the most underrated bad bitch of all time.”

5. “I’ve owned this bra since my boobs first sprang forth, do I need to throw it away at some point or should I be buried in it?”

6. “I feel like I missed out on a great opportunity at college. I should tried out to be our mascot and then just danced like I already do, but nobody would have seen my face.”

7. ”I don’t want to look like a psycho fangirl, so I’m going to keep my tweets to Beyonce limited to 2/week.”

8. “Okay, maybe 2/week, but I can absolutely double tap every photo she posts on Instagram, because why else would she post them?!”

9. “I never before noticed how attractive my pediatrician was.”

10. “I should probably stop seeing my pediatrician and get like, a grown up person doctor.”

11. “Wait, they’re getting married already? They just announced their engagement. Let me do some investigating and…ah, yeah. She’s definitely pregnant. Calling it now.”

12. “Oh, yeah, there’s the ultrasound picture. Nailed it. Also, I wonder how many eggs I have left.”

13. “I’m gonna tell this guy I’m going out tonight so it seems like my social life didn’t completely die after college.”

14. “How the hell did I just watch a marathon of Guy Fieri and not stab my eyeballs out?”

15. “Actually, he’s not that bad. If he was really sweet and offered to take me to some sick ass diner, I’d probably say yes to a date.”

16. “Oh my god, I am so alone. Let me go lurk on social media to see who can validate my existence.”

17. “Is it too late for Hagrid to show up and tell me I’m a wizard? Because really feeling like Hogwarts for grad school is a viable option.”

18. “I feel so lost and alone, and nobody in the entire world understands me. No other 20 something has ever felt this, it’s only meeee!”

19. “Okay, I know this is bad, but is it wrong that seeing my ex has put on a lot of weight makes me feel warm and cozy?”

20. “What are all these job postings that won’t let me look at details unless I make an account on this website??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!?! YOU SCAM ARTIST, TEASING ME WITH DREAM JOBS AND THEN TAKING IT ALL AWAY!”

21. “I’m legitimately jealous of Grumpy Cat. That’s the career I want. Like, that’s it. I want to be Grumpy Cat when I grow up.”

22. “At what age does it become very dark to still have an active Tumblr account?”

23. “Is it completely insane to buy a one-way ticket to a new city and start over? Okay, yes. Yes it is. But should I do it?”

24. *picks up hairbrush like it’s a microphone*
“I’m so honored to be here tonight performing at the Grammy Awards. I couldn’t ask for better fans, and just…I am SO lucky. I LOVE YOU ALL!”

25. “Hangovers are getting worse, and now I’m upset I didn’t appreciate how easy it used to be to drink.”

26. “Dammit, my parents were right.” TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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