22 Bizarre Thoughts You Suddenly Start Having When You Turn 22
By Ari Eastman
1. “I have a burning desire to curl up and cry in the fetal position for a solid three hours.”
2. “I wonder if I can remember my Neopets account password.”
3. “Are all my Neopets dead now? Omg. I’m a monster.”
4. “I don’t have a job, but really toying with the idea of getting a dog.”
5. “How much do dogs cost on average per year?”
6. *googles price of caring for a pet*
“Oh my god, I can’t get a dog.”
7. “I’m definitely in my DILF/MILF phase right now. Thinking of going to the grocery store just to see some good looking middle-aged folks. The salt-n-pepa babe who always buys Kale is my favorite.”
8. “Can I put crushing loneliness and using the word bae a lot under additional skills on my resume?”
9. “I’ll hold off on doing laundry just yet because I still have swim suit bottoms I can wear.”
10. “Okay, but like, is this really expired?”
11. *tax season*
“Am I a dependent? Wait, exemptions? Withholdings? ASSETS? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?”
12. “How many eggs do I have left?”
13. “I wonder how much I could get paid for sperm donations…Could it be a full-time job? Cause like, hell yeah.”
14. “Should I start using anti-wrinkle cream? Omg. Is that a grey hair?!”
15. “Friends is two decades old. That causes me more anxiety than it should.”
16. “I am insanely jealous of Grumpy Cat.”
17. “Is there a way to make babysitting sound like three years in the professional work place for this job application?”
18. “Maaaybe instead of paying my loans back with money, I can ask the loan people if I can mow their lawns from now until eternity.”
19. “Can I go back and have college be forever?”
20. “If I died a sudden, tragic death right now, what would people say about me? What have I done in life?”
21. “Can I put Netflix as experience? Not like, I worked at the company, just a definite fan.”
22. “I think I might be #4everalone. Also, when will I be too old for hashtags? I should stop now, huh?”