10 Types Of People You’ll Meet At A Suburban Yuppy Boutique
By Ari Eastman
Ahh, the suburbs! A glorious place to grow up feeling completely isolated from the real world, while simultaneously suffocated because you don’t quite fit in! Happy days!! As a former suburbanite, I did what many of us youngsters do- work retail. I worked at an exclusive boutique that catered to middle-aged, yuppies who were trying to recapture their youth. I came across quite a few characters, and anyone who has also worked a similar job can likely relate.
1. The MILF
She’s over 40, probably an actual mother, and looks effing flawless. She’s more stylish than you are, is in crazy great shape, and you’re just so charmed by everything she’s got going on. This is Beyoncé in 10 years.
2. The Divorcée On The Prowl
Unlike the true MILF, what she’s working with is clearly something Dr. So-and-So helped create. And no disrespect to those who elect to have plastic surgery, I’m ALL for whatever makes a woman feel good, but this customer is trying so damn hard, it’s borderline painful. She just got out of a vicious divorce, and now she is all about wine nights with the girls and cruising the suburbs for successful, available men. She wants to find the perfect date night outfit, and you find it kind of awkward to help her. “Ma’am, that’s a mini-skirt…not a tube top.”
3. The Mute Husband
Basically an extra purse, this dude strolls in with his wife acting as her quiet accessory. He doesn’t say a word, just slightly grumbles and finds his way over to the loner chair towards the back of the store. You might make a moment of eye contact, and his eyes silently scream, “Please, for the love of God, help me.”
4. The Cash Machine Hubby
He’s jovial and loud. He announces at a weirdly high decibel level, “Anything you want, babe!” And waves his hands around the store, like some medieval-douchey King. The gesture of getting something for your loved one? Totally sweet. But tossing your wallet around in the air like you just don’t care? Kind of annoying. And a little concerning.
5. The Mom Of Someone You Went To Elementary School With
Oh my god, that’s Mrs. Dillon! You haven’t seen her since that one time you had to go home because you laughed so hard you peed your pants at her daughter’s birthday party. What’s her first name again? Sarah? Stella? Will she even recognize you? It’s a very strange, uncomfortable panic that sets in and then when she does realize who you are, you spend the next 15 minutes summing up who you are and what you’ve done since kindergarden.
6. The Chatty Cathy
This one dives into the story of how she and her husband met, complete with that rocky period when they almost divorced but worked it out in counseling, after you simply asked, “Can I help you with anything?”
7. The Mean For Absolutely No Reason At All
*requesting back up to help remove the stick from this woman’s ass*
This customer is down right rude. She’s snappy, insanely hard to please, and looks at you like you’re a pile of trash waiting to be picked up. You start questioning what you possibly could have done to make this person hate you with such a burning passion. And I get it, we all have bad days, so maybe you just caught her on one of those….a really, really bad one.
8. The Anna Wintour
This is the brilliantly intimidating customer because she is so perfectly polished and put together. She exudes the kind of confidence you hope to have at her age. Hell, you want to have that confidence NOW. You almost want to ask if she needs an assistant. You have no idea what she does, but you just want to assist in whatever it is.
9. The Perpetually Frazzled
She has 17,000 kids with her and doesn’t even remember why she came into the store to begin with. She looks like she could use a massive hug, or maybe a year long vacation. She goes back and forth between yelling at her rowdy children and asking you about the return policy.
10. The Confused Elderly Woman
She’s so adorable and pleasant. It feels like your real grandmother just walked in. She has no idea what this store is really all about and you don’t know how to gently tell her, “You’re not our demographic…”