The 10 Guys You Will Come Across On Tinder

Shutterstock / Bevan Goldswain
Shutterstock / Bevan Goldswain

1. The guy who only has pictures wearing sunglasses

Other than the possibility that he’s blind or has some severe sensitivity to the sun, this dude is probably creep town and not to be trusted. Listen, I get it. We all look hotter with a pair of stunna shades on, but there’s no way I’ll grab a drink with you if I can’t first peep those peepers. Eyes are the windows to the soul, right? So…c’mon bro, I need to check for crazy eyes.

2. The guy who only has pictures doing extreme activities

I’m so impressed you bungee jumped in Thailand and snuggled a tiger, really. Bonus points for writing “I live for adventure and travel” in bio. Yeah, I get it. YOU THRILL SEEKER, YOU. I know you’re actually probably watching Netflix right now and swiping to the right, to the right.

3. The dick pic

I have to at least applaud the honesty in your approach.

4. The “I’m only in town for a week” guy

He’s originally from Australia, but only in your zip code for the next 48 hours, so he says it is imperative you meet ASAP. This is the same fella who will pull the I need a tour guide card. Oh, I’m sorry, were you under the impression he wanted someone familiar with the city to show him around? Sorry, babe. He was born and raised there. He meant he wants to explore your vagina.

5. The cutie turned creep

This guy is actually cute. No sunglasses. No shirtless photos. No mention of trucks or beer in his profile. Check. Check. Check. You start messaging a bit and it seems promising. You might even exchange a few emojis. He says something charming, and you feel yourself blushing. IS THIS THE START OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL LOVE STORY?!? But then out of nowhere, he asks what color underwear you’re wearing. Swing and a miss.

6. The just creepy

Almost instantly after matching he sends you a message like: “ur hot. Can I cum on ur face?” Mmmm…tempting, but I’m going to decline the lovely invitation.

7. The thirsty lovesick puppy

This guy grew up thinking if he compliments a woman enough, she will eventually be swept off her feet. Even if she ignores messages, crafts polite excuses as to why she isn’t interested, or straight up says, “Nah. I don’t like you.” No, he knows that just means try harder. Flatter her more. Send 7 messages in a row and always include the heart-eyes emoji. This type will also ask immediately, “How can someone like you be single?” Because obviously you can accurately assess someone is wifey material from 5 photos.

8. The borderline too old for Tinder

He’s wearing suits in every single photo. He doesn’t just shop at IKEA. He might legitimately be CEO or President, or has a successful start up, unlike “I’m only in town for a week guy” (yeah, business trip my ass). He asks if he can call you sometime. HUH? Like…on the phone? With our actual voices? This guy could have potential, but you’ll probably be weirded out by just how together he seems and never meet up with him. You are on Tinder, after all.

9. The easily hurt

You did not respond within an acceptable time frame and now he is PISSED. He could have sworn you were different. He was about to tell his mom about you, you ungrateful wench!! He’ll send super passive aggressive messages like, “I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for. Good luck.” Woahhh, buddy. You need to slow your roll, cowboy. I was at work. You know, work. That thing that takes up hours of a day.

10. The good ones

They exist. But like a lot of things in life, you’re gonna have to sort through a lot of shit before finding something really great. TC mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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