1. You can never find jeans that fit
If some mysterious, magical pair of pants that correctly fit the waist and hips of a lady with a donk exist somewhere, please, let a girl know. For us mere mortals unable to locate such a pair, you’ll have to belt the situation or have an awkward gap in the back. I tell people I hate jeans because they’re uncomfortable (partially true), but also because I don’t have the patience to search for a denim holy grail.
2. If you do put on a pair, Dem Jeans by Chingy will be your life story
“I bet you had to wiggle up and down just to zip them up?” You know my daily ritual, Chingy.
3. Shorts are not always kind to you
Even relatively conservative shorts will somehow be swallowed up by your ass cheeks. I was once written up in school for “inappropriate attire.” IT WAS LITERALLY 99 DEGREES OUTSIDE AND I COULDN’T HELP THAT MY BUTT SUDDENLY DECIDED IT WANTED TO BE SEEN, K?!
4. Walking up stairs with someone directly behind you causes anxiety
It’s not that we’re trying to be conceited in our thinking that you’re checking out the goods, but c’mon, we know that you are. Honestly, if something big and beautiful was wiggling right in front of me, I’d probably sneak a peek too.
5. Yoga pants are your best friend/worst enemy
When working out or just lounging, you want comfort. I know it’s somehow been branded the ultimate #basic girl statement piece, but yoga pants are the bomb (are we still saying the bomb?). Believe it or not, we didn’t actually put them on to show off our butts. We just wanted to be lazy for a bit, so chill. And no need to ogle when we walk through the gym either. Focus on your deadlifts, bro.
6. Sizing is always awkward
You might be a lucky lil’ devil and be fully proportional. But if you’re at all like me, someone just said, “LET THERE BE BUTT!” but forgot about everything else. The top of a dress fits? Great, but the bottom half is barely covering your booty. Thank goodness you can easily mix and match sizes when picking swimsuits (bikinis at least).
7. People talk about your ass(et)
Depending on your personality, this may or may not bother you. I say, always be proud and own the body you were given, but that doesn’t mean you ever need to be the subject of discussion to anyone else. It is YOUR body. Ya heard? Yours. Next time you hear Jason Derulo’s Wiggle come on at a party and people shout, “It’s your song!!!” Let ‘em know you’re more than a fantastic, big butt. Or dance, like, your choice.
8. You get nervous about sitting on someone’s lap
Like, do you see how big this is? Are you sure?
9. Pets use your booty as a personal pillow
It’s the perfect height, width, and cushiness for your dog/cat to rest and dream little doggy/kitty dreams. I’m not gonna lie, this is a pretty adorable sight. But believe that if you post a picture of it on any form of social media, comments like, “That booty doe” will inevitably spring forth.
10. You’ve been catcalled/been told some of the most foul things
Newsflash: nobody ever gets dressed thinking, “Man, I REALLY hope some creepy dude who smells like cat piss tells me he wants to grab onto my ass and never let go!!” You start to get numb to it, which is another issue for another article, but girls with big butts have heard it ALL. And never, ever is it okay or enjoyed.
11. Just go ahead and forget about riding a bike
Who made those tiny seats, Stalin? Don’t expect to be very comfortable on a long bike ride because only about a quarter of your bottom is being supported.
12. You always hope your crush is an ass man
Because if he is, giiiiirl. Let that bootyliciousness go to work.