1. Set a specific text tone for the person you’re crushing on so you know exactly when said person contacts you. Because there is potentially nothing worse than waiting all day to hear that little ding that makes your heart drop to the floor, only to check your phone and see it was your buddy Mr. Landlord asking why rent is late. UHH, I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE BECAUSE I’VE BEEN TOO CONSUMED WITH WHETHER OR NOT THIS ASSHAT IS GOING TO TEXT ME, I HAVE PRIORITIES, MAN!
2. For the extra neurotic, turn your phone on silent because you’ve convinced yourself that a watched pot never boils. You’re so cool and collected, you’re just gonna flip that switch and walk away. “Oh, did you text me an hour ago? I hadn’t even noticed! I was too busy at a gala on a yacht with a bunch of other really cool and collected people.”
3. When in reality, you will continue to watch the damn pot and break your lock button from obsessively checking your home screen.
4. Think about ending it all when you are exhausted and use the wrong “your” or “their.” They’re is just no excuse for that. (LOLOL OMG, I hate myself)
5. If your crush ever mentions you look good, make a mental note of every single thing you did that day to achieve whatever look he/she thinks is good. And if you happen to wear your hair the exact same way every time you see them now, that is pure coincidence.
6. While you aren’t going to resort to full blown stalking (yet), you find it perfectly acceptable to tag yourself on Facebook at a location that is somewhat near where you’ve heard your crush is. Success rate that they will notice and say, “hey! I’m around the corner, let’s get together!” is still currently being tested. Results not looking great.
7. Take an extra long route to class because you know you will see your crush from enough of a distance that it doesn’t seem like you planned your entire path just to see them. But you did. And for that 2.5 seconds you see what you think is them (kinda hard to tell, stupid shrubbery obstructing your view), life is pure bliss.
8. Analyze every emoji, the amount of time in between text messages, the number of exclamation points or “hahas,” etc. until you actually have constructed an entirely new conversation in your head. Bonus points for consulting your best friend via screenshots.
9. When he/she mentions their celebrity crush, store that little nugget of information away because it’s going to be your new holy grail. You will learn everything you can about that celebrity in hopes of waking up and magically being Shakira or Jennifer Lawrence if you just watch enough YouTube interviews and makeup tutorials. Anything is possible, if you just believe.
10. If you are lucky enough to have your crushing be a mutual level of liking, don’t worry, there will be plenty of neurosis to uncover in the dating world. Like, so much you might actually be single again really soon. It’s okay, someone out there will love you for the little mess you are.