How To Break Your Own Heart In 10 Easy Steps

RedSquareCinema
RedSquareCinema

1. Say yes to drinks when he asks. Let your mind play out the best and worst case scenarios, like the neurotic little mess you are. Freak out when you can’t find parking near the bar. Momentarily think of texting him and canceling. You could say your Grandpa died or car caught on fire, something. But don’t. Find a spot, take a breath, and walk inside. Notice your entire body language shift when you see him. You are open for the first time in so long. Lock eyes with him, and realize you’ve had the biggest, dumbest smile on your face for a solid 15 minutes. Three hours will pass, and your cheeks will be sore. Your heart will feel like it just ran a marathon. You carry a hummingbird in your chest.

2. When he does not make plans to see you again, take it into your own hands. You are not a Cosmo quiz. You are not a helpless stereotype. You have never needed validation from anyone. You want to see him again, so YOU text him. Feel your hummingbird heart again when your phone dings.

3. See him again. He still does not kiss you. He says something absurd, and you like him even more. You think about just saying, “fuck it” and kissing him in the middle of that crowded room. You don’t.

4. Sleep with him. He does not even kiss you until you are in his bed, wearing his shirt. You said you would not have sex again until it meant something. That statement still stands. You cannot fall asleep the entire night. You look over at him, and feel inclined to kiss his forehead. You don’t. An hour passes. Still no sleep. This time, you do kiss him. Half asleep, he pulls you closer.

5. Let him drive you home in the morning. You will say you can get a taxi, but he will insist. He is funny and kind, and you think about telling him how funny and kind he is. You wonder if that sounds too simple. Your mind searches for better words. Something more intelligent. You need a thesaurus. You want to impress him. But every time you look at him, the words bubble under your tongue. He’s funny. And kind.

6. You will be the one to initiate plans again. Go straight to his apartment under the false pretense of returning his shirt. He will kiss you when he sees you.

7. Kiss him back in his apartment. Sleep with him again. But don’t fall asleep. Notice his shoulder blades. Wonder why you’ve never noticed how perfect shoulder blades can be before. Trace them with your fingers. Feel your hummingbird heart swelling. It has not swelled like this in a long time.

8. He will tell you that he feels weird about everything. That he thinks you are so wonderful and wants go to back to being friends. Feel your hummingbird heart break in half, beating just as hard as it does so.

9. Tell him you can be friends.

10. Be his friend and think about kissing his perfect shoulder blades the entire time. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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