I was labeled picky before I could even form coherent sentences. I had a list a mile long of foods I wouldn’t eat as a child, god forbid there was ever any red sauce or green stuff on top of my spaghetti. I was incredibly critical with my television viewing, and probably one of the few kids in elementary school who became filled with dread and slight nausea the second I heard, “oooh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” I liked what I liked, and didn’t like what I didn’t like. Simple.
And as I became older, this fussiness translated into being very particular about the men I dated. Actually, more like when I dated, which was almost never because I rarely found what I was looking for (which I’m still not sure what that even is, to be honest). The idea of “my type” got thrown around with my friends and that I needed to be more open-minded, to give people a chance. And while it’s true that I’m not always eager to give someone a shot in real life, I’m THRILLED to daydream about a variety of celebrities that most would scoff at. I just don’t want to have to actually try those relationship things because that might require that I leave my house, and that means putting on pants. I really hate pants.
1. Louis CK
We all think he’s hilarious, that’s never the issue in question. But for some reason that I can’t exactly explain, there’s nothing I’d rather do than climb that middle-aged body, grab onto his increasingly disappearing red hair, and ride him until the sun rises. Louie, Louie, Louieeeee. I wake up some nights half singing half screaming that little jingle. It freaked me out a little at first, but now I’m fully embracing this bizarre fantasy. Please call me. I’m probably pretty annoying because I’m a 20 something with nothing interesting to contribute to your life, but all my parts are perky and in mint condition. And kids love me. I’ll babysit for you after we’re done.
2. Seth Rogen
Three words: Dat laugh doe. One of my favorite chuckles in Hollywood and there’s nothing I’d love more than to be the reason he makes that sound. And some other sounds too. WINKY FACE.
3. Larry David
Though I’m not sexually attracted to him, if we happened to cross paths, I would want to somehow properly thank him for bringing the pure joy and laughter that Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm brought into my life. He’s brilliant, neurotic, and younger than Woody Allen, so I think just once we could make some magic happen. I could see it being pretty, pretty, pretttty good. Or horrible. Most likely the latter.
4. Kanye West
If you are going to have a song called I Am A God, I really want to test that out for myself. Kim can watch.
5. Jason Segel (only as Nick Andopolis in Freaks and Geeks)
He was needy, always looked either a little stoned or sleep-deprived, didn’t have the academic record I’m typically attracted to, but I couldn’t help from looking at him the way he looked at Lindsay. Lucky bitch.
6. Arthur the Aardvark
Okay, so to be fair, I don’t exactly want to have sex with Arthur because
A) He’s an aardvark
B) He’s a cartoon
C) He’s supposed to be 8 years old
But technically, he was my first celebrity crush and 5-year-old Ari got nervous and flustered whenever he popped up on the TV screen. I just want to hold his hand or something, nothing that could get me into trouble. I’m mostly just feeling nostalgic at the moment.
*Side note- if you don’t already know, look up the original Arthur cartoon. It will haunt your dreams.
7. Roger (101 Dalmatians)
Since I’ve already confessed the more embarrassing cartoon crush, I can keep the animated ball rolling and say that Roger was a total babe. He was a dog-lover, musician, and that accent, ugh. I wanted to rip that sweater vest right off.
8. Robin Williams
The sea of chest hair I’d have to swim through is a little daunting, but I’m up for the challenge. There’s just something about those blue eyes of his. He’s got a twinkle that time, age, and D-list movies can’t extinguish. And if his stamina wasn’t that high and he reached the finish line a little too fast, I could hold him and repeat, “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.”
9. Stephen Colbert
I’m actually in love with him. This wouldn’t just be a wham-bam, thank you ma’am kind of scenario. I can feel not only my loins, but also my heart yearn whenever he adjusts his glasses or finds some reason to sing on the Colbert Report. I’ll be honest, I’m the kind of girl to walk around with a wrinkled blouse, but I’d iron his damn ties every morning. I’d convert to Catholicism and help him teach his Sunday school classes. I just want to be Mrs. Colbert (even though there already is one, shhh). A young, Jewish girl from the burbs can dream. And dream about him I shall.
10. Kevin Spacey
He’s got that kind of intense, he-might-murder-me thing going on, but I can’t deny, there’s something sexy about that serious smolder. I would let him throw rose petals on me any day.