10 Reasons I’d Suck As A Politician

nbelz / Shutterstock.com
nbelz / Shutterstock.com

1. Danger is my middle name. Carlos Danger, to be exact.

2. I’m like Taylor Swift on crack when it comes to writing about things that are considered rather private and personal. I see your catchy songs and raise you articles, scripts, and spoken word pieces. YOUR MOVE, SWIFTY.

3. I like to be the peacekeeper a little too much. I’d be so busy plotting how to Parent Trap the Democratic and Republican Party, that the real issues would get totally ignored. “No, no, B, when Johnny said your position on the fiscal crisis wasn’t sustainable, he was referring to the way you were standing whenever you speak about it. He’s worried about your health, Barack. If you keep slouching, you’re going to develop serious long-term back pain. He just loves you, okay?”

4. Remember back in March when there was that petition to change the national anthem to R. Kelly’s Ignition (Remix) floating around Facebook? You probably saw it, chuckled, potentially yelled, “oh my godddd, that’s our song!!” and posted it to your roommate’s wall. Well, that shit would be my platform. Oh, you’re working towards energy conservation and the decriminalization of marijuana? I’M SIPPIN’ ON COKE AND RUM. SO WHAT. I’M DRUNK.

5. If a natural disaster hit, I’m sorry, I’d probably start saving the animals first. I failed Hudspeth’s I Am Legend test with flying colors. Do you know the last time a dog made me feel horrible about myself? Never. Not once.

6. My roommate interned in Washington DC this past summer, and while doing some research about the various things politicians have that I don’t, I asked her, “Don’t you need to have a briefcase?” Without even looking up from her laptop, she sighed and said, “No. But I don’t even know what you’re talking about half the time.” This. All of this.

7. I enjoy dressing like a tiny hobo. Oversized sweatshirts and beanies are kosher to wear on Capitol Hill, right?

8. I will spontaneously break out into various accents throughout the day. Politically correct? No. Is my Gru impression absolutely endearing? YOU BET! (imagine hearing that in Steve Carell’s voice, but also mine, but also Steve’s)

9. My heart is just too big. I can’t singlehandedly save the world, and that very notion would slowly destroy me.

10. Last but not least, I put way too many things on the Internet. Exhibit A: Drunk and dying my hair. Enjoy.TC Mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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