I believed him when he said he loves me more than I do.
I trusted him when he said he’s different, that he’ll never leave, that he’ll never let go, he’ll never get tired.
I trusted him. And I was stupid.
I know he doesn’t love me, he just enjoys my company. I know that he’ll leave once he finds someone better than me. I know he’ll get tired of me once he got what he wanted, once I become no fun, once I become too boring for him. I know. But I didn’t leave.
Am I being too needy if I say I wanted more than this? I want something more than after-shift dates in the mall and occasional travel.
I want late night texts about nonsense things and morning texts full of motivation. I want to talk about serious things, about his life and his family, about his goals and his dreams. I want us to be more open to each other, to make me believe that this will last long. I want something more serious, more steady. I don’t want to settle for this, to wait for him to become ready. I need assurance.
I wanted him to feel all the love he never felt before. I wanted to spoil him, to give him everything he wants. Because he deserves it. Because I want to. Because I love him. And isn’t that if you love someone, you always want to give the best for them? You don’t make them wait, you don’t give them less than their worth. You make them feel special. Not occasionally, but every day.
For the first time in a really long time, I was ready to love with everything I have. I was ready to give everything I can. I was ready because I thought he was worth it. Because I believed the bullshits that he said. I trusted that he was different.
I love him, but I’m getting so tired of thinking if he does feel the same way. I’m so tired of analyzing what he says. I’m tired of believing that maybe he does. I’m so exhausted of thinking my worth, and of wondering the reasons why he’s hiding me. I wanted to quit thinking if I’m not good enough, of where I lack, of what is wrong with me. I believe that if you truly love someone, you’ll never make them feel worthless, you’ll remind them every day that they are important. You’ll show them.
It’s draining me. I feel like I’m losing blood, that I’m lacking air. My stomach starts to hurt so much that I wanna throw up. My heart beats slower, my head aches and my tears just kept on falling without any good reason. He didn’t do anything, I think that’s what hurts me more, he’s not doing anything.
One day he’s making me feel like I’m the only woman, but the next day I feel unimportant, unloved, unworthy. I wanted to ask what changed, what did I do, or what should I do, but I’m afraid of being called demanding.
I’m loving him more every day and it starts to scare me. It’s scary to love someone this much, and I’m more afraid because I know that in the end, like what happens every time, I’ll be left again. I know that no matter how much I give him, he won’t stay. And I’m so stupid for loving him even if he warned me so many times that I shouldn’t.
I love him but I’m not happy anymore, and I’m supposed to be happy – I deserve to be. And I won’t stick with someone who doesn’t even do anything to make me stay.