Something hurts inside me, but I can’t figure out exactly where or what it is. Every part of my body aches; my stomach is turning and I feel like throwing up, my heart is beating slower, my head screams, and my legs got weaker I can’t make myself stand straight. My eyes start to hurt because it’s drowning from the tears that kept on falling. I don’t wanna cry, so I bite my tongue to divert the attention. I feel exhausted.
Am I being too needy if I want more than this? I want more than after-shift dates. I want surprise dates, it doesn’t have to be extravagant, it just have to be him and me. I want occasional flowers, it doesn’t have to be a bouquet, just a piece will do. I want late night texts about nonsense things, little fights that’s nothing serious, morning messages as soon as he wakes up. I want him to tell me about how good or bad his day went. I want to be the first person to know and congratulate him when something great happen.
I want tight back hugs, I want him to grab my hand in front of everyone, to kiss me on the cheek when I’m not looking, to kiss me on my lips when I’m talking too much, to grab me on my waist when another guy is looking, to hug me when I’m about to cry, to kiss me on the forehead goodbye.
I want something more than casual movie dates, I want to see the last screening, to run and get popcorn and drinks, to get the best seat, to read the credits. I want to talk about life, goals and dreams. I want something more serious. Am I too demanding to ask this? I’m not asking for a relationship if he’s not ready, I can wait, but I think I deserve an assurance.
I deserve something more than casual I love you’s, I want the genuine one. I want to be missed, to be looked for, to be cared for. I want to be the woman he’s proud of having, not the one he’s hiding. I want him to love all of me, not just some part of me. I deserve to be more than a weekly booty call. I want cuddle and movie nights, I want him to be contented of just being with me and not doing me. I want kisses that lasts and don’t lead to making love. I want respect.
I believed him when he told me he loves me more than I do, that he won’t leave, he won’t get tired, that he’s different. I trusted him, and I was stupid.
I knew that he just enjoyed my company, I knew that he’ll leave when I became boring and no fun. I knew he won’t stay. But I chose to be stupid, I chose to stay, I chose to love. But I’m getting tired.
I want to love him longer, to spoil him, to give him everything he wants, to make him happy, to make life comfortable for him. I want to hug him when he’s sad, to kiss him casually just because, to surprise him even when there’s no occasion, to visit him when he’s sick, to buy him things.
I love him, but it’s exhausting.
It’s exhausting to give everything I can and not receive the same amount in return. It’s tiring to love someone whom you’re not sure if he feels the same way about you. It’s tiring to love someone who makes you feel unsure of yourself and unimportant.
I’m not demanding, I want to feel worthy without requesting, I think I deserve that much. It’s tiring to give your all to someone who doesn’t give the same effort. It’s exhausting to run after someone who doesn’t wanna stay. I deserve something more than your coldness, your anger and your unending requests.
Maybe you did love me, but not now. Because you don’t do this to someone you love.
When you love someone, you tell them, you don’t wait for them to ask you.
I love you, but I’m so tired of loving you.