You taught me the very basics of having a relationship. You took me on my first date, and you gave me my first heart break. I still hate you for the bruises you left on me, both inside and out. You made me realize that I don’t want a guy who cheats on me. Or puts his hands on me. Ever.
You were the first person to make me feel pretty and wanted, in a really twisted way. You only wanted to see me at night, on the weekends, when people were going out and alcohol was involved, and it was convenient for you. I was so young and loved every minute of it. But eventually you made me realize that I don’t want just a fuck buddy. I want a relationship, with afternoon lunches and mutual friend outings, and not just late night booty calls.
You were so sweet, had such a good job, and took me places and spent time with me doing nothing. You had all of the qualities I had been looking for. I don’t know what it was, but there was an essential point of attraction missing. You taught me that I don’t want to be with a guy I’m not completely physically attracted to. You were hot and funny and, trust me, good in bed. But there was just something missing, and I could never figure out what it was.
You were the first person to buy me a nice purse. You took me out whenever I wanted. You loved having sleepovers even before we had sex. When I went away to college, seven hours away from home, you followed me. You made me feel special in a way that I had never felt before. But you had problems I had no place in fixing. I thought I could get you off of the pills. I thought I could ease the pain from your past experiences. I thought I could make you happier than I thought you had felt in a long time. But I couldn’t. And in the process I made both of us miserable for months. You made me realize that I don’t want to be with a guy who I feel I need to fix. As much as I wished at the time that I could have been the one to “save” you, I realize now that you never needed me to be that person. And I don’t ever want to be that person again.
You made me realize that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t have a few things in common, like taste in music, food, and sports. It’s okay to not life indie rock, country music, thai or Indian food, football or baseball, but if none of spark your interest then we’re going to have a hard time.
You made me realize that I don’t want someone who doesn’t inspire me to be better and I don’t want someone who is comfortable where they are. I have so many goals and ambitions, from going to grad school to travelling the world and I think we were equally annoyed at each other’s life goals.
You made me realize that I have to have someone who can challenge me intellectually and make me laugh all the time. I don’t want someone I don’t want to just be comfortable. I want to be debated in the car, and I want to have deep conversations at night after a couple of glasses of wine. You were the hottest guy ever, and so great for the now, but not for the always.
You made me realize that I don’t want someone who gets angry easy, or a lot, and I don’t want someone cynical about life. I realized from you that it is imperative I find myself with a man who is kind, and caring, and sympathetic. Someone who can get through the holidays with a smile on his face. Someone who has an enthusiasm for life and adventure. Life is beautiful, damn it!
I find myself not, single at 23 and I wonder if I’ll be single forever. I still have no idea what I really want out of a relationship but I have been blessed to learn what I don’t want. I don’t think it’s unfair for us to ask for the perfect man; as long as we realize it’s impossible to find him until we figure out what the perfect man is.