What Your Sushi Order Says About You
By April Mae
California Roll
“I either have no money or I’m 15 years old…does this come with miso soup?”
“15 Sake Bombs, Please!”
“I consider myself the life of the party. I arranged this social gathering and we’re here to get fucked up and slam our fists on the table all night long. Let’s keep ‘em coming, k?”
Unagi
“I like the taste of chicken covered in teriyaki sauce, but I’m slightly edgier than that. It’s also very possible that I’m Filipino or African-American.”
California Roll (Deep fried plus spicy mayo and unagi sauce)
“I’m starving. And poor. But I keep it classy by going for “sushi”.”
Bento Box
“I like options. I generally prefer my food cooked. I kind of miss the days of having my lunch served on a tray. Ahh, #nostalgia.”
Chicken/Beef/Salmon Teriyaki
“I’m really hungry and I feel that cooked meat will fill me up for way cheaper than raw fish. I also don’t care for sushi that much. I may also be pregnant.”
Hwe-dup-bap (Korean Chirashi)
“I’m Korean. Or at least wish I was.”
A Shit Ton of Rolls
“I’m here with a hungry group of sushi-loving-mother-fuckers. I’m probably a burly man named Thor and will order any trendy roll named “Hungry Roll” or “Monster Roll.” I’ll also need 8 Sapporos with that. I don’t really care what you bring out, as long as there’s some fried stuff in there and some sauce-covered rolls. I’m a pretty easygoing individual.”
Mochi Ice Cream
“I’m unaware that the frozen section of Trader Joe’s and/or Whole Foods exists.”
A Salad/Gyoza (Potstickers)/Any side appetizer as a main course
“I’m secretly kind of anorexic and have no idea what I’m doing at a sushi place. I actually despise raw fish even though I never really tried it, but my friend brought me here for lunch and okay, fine, I’ll try one or two pieces of her roll she ordered..oh shoot! That actually tastes good!”
A Single “Trendy” Roll
“I know exactly what I want and I will get it. I believe in balance and not overdoing anything. I’d like a ice water with lemon as well, thanks.”
A Couple Rolls Plus Pieces of Sashimi/Nigiri
“I’m here to try the best you have to offer. I may lean more towards rolls one day, more towards sashimi the next, but I ask what fishes are recommended and try them with an open mind. I enjoy life and the great tastes it has to offer.”
10 or More Pieces of Nigiri
“I wish I was rich enough to get full off of sashimi alone.”
Miso Soup With Extra Tofu
“I’m a doting mother and want to make sure my baby gets all of the processed soybeans and sodium-packed soybean paste-based soup possible! I also will leave behind numerous grains of rice stuck to this high-chair, but I’ll leave a decent enough tip behind to compensate.”
Hot Water
“I’m in the mood for hot green tea, but do not want to pay the $2. Or I’m Chinese. Or both. Probably both.”
Sashimi Plate
“I am one classy son of a bitch with well-cultivated taste. I may order a Junmai sake or Kirin to go with this.”
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