4 Letters to People I’ve Had Sex With

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#1

Everything was so… New? Sweet? Fresh? Innocent? Gullible? Maybe a bit of everything. For those few days I was lost in you and in daydreams of our future and everything was so exciting!! So new!!!!!

And then suddenly everything turned and you were everywhere all the time and I felt so… Trapped? Strangled? Choked? No word occurs to me that accurately describes that very, very toned down and subtle grip I felt you had and gosh it sounds so melodramatic in retrospect :/// It was so lovely in the moment, I promise. Now I see it was only a coincidental but fiery mixture of puberty, longing, escapism, and innocence. And that worries me a little – what if all our precious moments will one day fade into a realisation that in the bigger picture, they were meaningless and feeble?

I suppose only time will tell.

Thank you for the things you taught me and the times we shared, and I wish you all the best. (Formal, but true!)

Cheers,
April

#2

My gosh, you were beautiful. I remember that sunny summer morning in your bed, the sun shining in stripes through the shutters, running my hand along your waist, letting it rest on your hip, thinking, “Wow, life is perfect right now. I really love this person.” This particular fragment of history actually revisits me uninvited from time to time… I use it to justify my past actions when floods of regret and shame and disappointment wash in, and later when I come to my senses and realize that you know what – it really wasn’t that bad in the moment okay!! It’s only human to have regrets!! You just happen to be one of them… I think?

Just writing this has me like this >:( and typing frantically on this saggy fucking keyboard.

Something that just occurred to me: One of the reasons I look back at us with such conflicting feelings is because I am scared of how much I felt for you. The things you made me do, the feelings you made me feel, all the fucking incidents I looked past – because I loved you so so so so much, you consumed me almost and sometimes it fucked up my judgement. So many things I now see as obligatory that I would’ve (and did) throw away at a whim for you because I couldn’t think straight. (Sorry hahaha, I just had to.)

I don’t know what to think about you, and maybe I never will… And that’s okay. Sometimes I picture lives as straight lines (I actually feel like this is an example quite often used in popular cinema? Let me know if it is pls) – some run parallel to each other but never cross, and very many cross at one or multiple isolated points. Some take the same path as ours and then change direction, never to be seen again, and some take the plunge with us, and may very well stay for years to come. You were a whole other type of line; zigzagging your way across mine, never settling down anywhere, constantly unstable and jerky like an asteroid blundering about, just fucking shit up. Now it appears your line is slowly but steadily moving further and further away from mine, and you know what – I think that’s for the best.

I hope things work out for you (I do, I really do).

Bye,
April

#3

I was highly doubtful to including you in this to begin with, but then I figured I wouldn’t have very much to say anyways, so why not.

My mind is like a tabula rasa aka fucking blank when I think about you. (That course in philosophy is definitely paying off, thanks for the simile John Locke.) You just… Don’t elicit any emotion or response whatsoever in me, apart from confusion when trying to self-comprehend my complete lack of opinion.

Right, except for one thing – you are gross!!!

TTYN (like seriously. I don’t mean it in a mean, dissy “Paris Hilton’s New BFF”-way. I just highly doubt we’ll ever talk ever again.)

April

#4

I can definitely say that I liked the thought of having sex with you much more than actually having sex with you. As for you as a person, I am undecided. You seem very complex and I don’t think I’ll ever know enough about you to understand you or even truly know you or even truly know even one tiny aspect of you.

Anyways, back to sex; because let’s face it, that’s all it really was. Drunken, overhyped sex (I assume partial responsibility for both) which wasn’t even particularly good.

Wanna know a secret?

Okay, now I feel like the meanest person for saying this… But… I recently actually had a nightmare which was about making out with you. Which is weird, considering I don’t really think about you very much at all? Unless I see you on social media that is, but that doesn’t really count anyways.

But yes, goodbye for now (because I’m sure we’ll cross paths some day in the future),

April

To be continued when the presently on-going chapters of my sex life have been completed (aka when it’s winter and I’m not getting laid anymore because well, winter). Thought Catalog Logo Mark

featured image – liz west

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