There are always girls like you.
How many coincidences does it take to become a choice? You think you’re clever, but you’re easy to see through. It’s not hard to notice this destructive pattern you desperately weave – because in fact, that’s all you want to be.
For you, it doesn’t end with ‘and they lived happily ever after’. For you, that’s your cue to make your entrance.
Winning someone over is too easy, isn’t it? You’ve done it too many times before. You’ve had a poor pile of hopeless hearts in your hands, but they don’t satisfy your need to know you can be loved.
Winning someone over when their heart is unavailable – now, that’s a challenge. Because if they choose you after having already chosen another, then you must be pretty something…right? To make them change their minds?
Words are just words. They no longer excite you. Nothing about a listless, lazy text in the middle of the night professes ‘you’re the one’ and you know it. But then throw in a little scandal, and that’s enough to reel you in. Throw in a little controversy, and that’s enough to convince you ‘maybe, you are worth the trouble’.
An embrace is just an embrace. It no longer assures you. Nothing about a quick goodnight hug confesses ‘you are special’ and you’re aware. At least not unless they have to return to someone else’s arms once they leave. Because to you, it only matters if they choose to hold you when they shouldn’t. It only matters if they choose to love you when they can’t.
And they will take the bait, they almost always do. They will keep you in their back pocket, for when they’re lonely, or bored, or just want a little thrill. And when they slot you back under their bed in the morning, you get to tell yourself that it’s not their fault. You get to reassure yourself with a million reasons why they can’t give you all of themselves. And you’ll succeed, because it’s true.
You find excitement in the secrecy, but you fail to see that esteem is in sincerity. You lavish and bathe in lust, but what you’re missing is loyalty. You feed off the chaos and anxiety, but feel lonely in your serenity.
You are so romanced by the potential that they could possibly leave her – that you never ask them to in case they won’t. And on the off chance that they do, it’s never solely so that they can be with you.
You think that if he truly loves her, he wouldn’t pay you any attention anyway. You think that if she feels threatened by you, surely then, you are a threat.
But the thing is, you avoid facing the one person that this boils down to. You avoid seeing the crux of the issue. And in your mind, you’ve got it all twisted so you come up on top every time. But let me be the first to say this out loud.
Him being dishonest doesn’t make you any more innocent. Her being wrong for him doesn’t make you any more right.
Because God forbid he should be unfaithful if he’s the one in a relationship. And God forbid she should feel insecure if she’s the one who has him. When the truth is – you’re the one who’s insecure.
But I suppose, you are just that alright with being a shit person because if you tried to be anything better, people could actually start expecting more of you. And more is exactly what you can’t be fucked to give, because for now, you are exactly what people expect.
I don’t know what or who hurt you before, for you to always only strive for second best; for you to tramp on your perpetually perilous journeys only to always end up in the back burner. I don’t know what part of yourself you feel is so inadequate that you celebrate being offered sloppy fragments of conflicted consciences every time you manage to lure them in.
For the moment, you’re convinced you’re winning. But in the long run, you’re alone.
How many coincidences does it take to become a choice?
The truth is you do choose. Over and over – to be prominent, but insignificant. To be contentious, but meaningless.
You do just that to keep your heart under wraps, because there is no rejection when you aren’t asking to be theirs. You do just that so they’ll never not have an excuse to give you only what they want and not what you need, and you’ll never not have an excuse to be okay with that.
And you’ll never have the right to demand for more.
But I suppose, for now, that’s all you think you deserve. And it’s not up to her, or him, or anyone else to convince you otherwise.