We often live life as two different people: the person we know all too well, the creature of habit; the one who is predictable and falls into old patterns and trends and imperfections – and the person that we don’t know all that well yet, but we want to; the one who we’ve only met in short bursts of confidence or passion or resolve, but can’t wait to meet again.
They say to do more of what you love, to attract people who will love you. And you’ve done just that.
You’ve got a girl for when you can’t see the road ahead and so you keep looking back; who will drag you out of your room in the middle of the night and roll you paper highs to make you forget. She will indulge your vices, because she has them too.
She will be there every time you fall through the cracks, every time you plunge into reverse. But never to help you up. No, she’ll be there on the ground laying next to you – and for the moment, that’s what you want. She will reassure you that it’s okay to be distracted, it’s okay to be a mess – at least when you’re with her. And together, you are a tangle of messes that will never feel disconnected.
There’s a strange kind of comfort that comes with being with the one who has seen the worst. Because there’s no more expectance, only acceptance. And though it’s a futile kind of love, it’s love all the same.
Then you’ve got a girl for when you’re trying to move up the ladder, who will sober you up in the mornings and follow you to the gym, and the library, but never to the alleys behind your house. She expects more of you than you would, yourself. And will be there – not when you fail – because she knows that you won’t. She will be there to pull you along, even when you don’t think you’re ready.
She will show you honesty in its brutal form, and it will sting, but you will like it because it reminds you someone cares. She will reassure you that just because you can’t see your future, doesn’t mean it isn’t bright as hell. Because she sees everything about yourself that you never could (but you wished was there) and she’ll make you believe that you could have it all if you only tried.
The best part about being with the one who sees the best is that with her, there is a long run. Moments exist beyond the Nows and the Tomorrows, and instead of reminiscing on what has passed, you’re looking forward to what’s ahead.
And the misconception here is that we can only be one person: either the one who’s lazy, and demotivated, and distracted, and lost – or the one who’s surer, and braver, and stronger, and wise. Because we think that these two facets of our character are mutually exclusive; that once we make the choice to pursue our future, our past becomes irrelevant.
The misconception here is that once we choose who we want to be, we can only have one person: the one who has seen the angry, and the hurt, and the ugly, and the cold – or the one who sees the potential, and the “could be”s, and the good, and the kind. Because surely, there’s no need to act better around those who’ve already seen the worst, and there’s no need to show the bad to those who only see the best.
And just like that, we’ve split our world down the middle.
We become who we are with. What they see is what we’ll be, and the other half won’t exist. We’ve got friends to do the old us stuff with, friends to do the new us stuff with, and God forbid that they should mix. So we think that somehow if we stay in this limbo, in between wanting to be better but still latching on to what we’ve known, maybe we could hold on to both.
When you have to choose between the one who has seen the worst, and the one who sees the best, choose neither. Because the right one won’t make you choose.
The right one won’t hold you back, neither will she rush you forward. Instead, she will trust you to figure out what’s best for yourself. Then change as you change. She will be at the same pace; not a step behind nor two steps ahead. You won’t feel weighed down, neither will you feel like you’re weighing her down. Because the right one sees the worst and the best, and understands that you will always be a combination of both.
When you have to choose between the one who has seen the worst, and the one who sees the best, choose yourself. Because the right one will follow.